Butterfly, Koi, and Past Loves 01/21/10

January 21st, 2010

This is the second time I've had this dream. I know for sure now, I need to let you go. I always knew the truth of the matter--that you found another heart to love--and that's okay. I'm happy for you, and glad actually. I want the best for you--and happiness.

***Dream:

I thought I told myself I would never be here again. The last time that happened, I let my heart take over and fell into a big, black mess. I let you kiss me and I started crying again.

But that was then. This is now. I've already dreamed this before--a week after I let you go. You remember that, now?

Well, here I am. Back in your room. You're laying on your bed talking to someone on your phone. I knew it was her. In a way, I was glad it was her. You've always wanted a good girl to settle down with. Someone who would show you the light in her ways. Someone who loved you for who you were, and didn't force you to change. A girl with a big heart, a beautiful voice, and was forever patient.

I looked over at you. You didn't see me. I don't think you even cared I was sitting there at all. I didn't matter what I felt. I didn't exist. I was just a person in your past who hurt you and now am left with the little pieces.

Why was I there in the first place? Oh. I remember.

You said you were going to give me back my belt. My stuff--my heart. You were going to give it back, but in reality--you gave it away a long, long time ago.

Now here we are, me sitting across from you-- watching you talk to that lucky girl I knew would end up with you after me. It did pain to see you talk to her with such softness you rarely showed me--but like I said, it didn't matter anymore. My brain was telling me:

LOOK at this. You see he is happy. That is all that ever mattered. He is finally emerging from the darkness. In him knowing you--it brought him to finding her.

I hear you call her by her last name. Chapman.

I smile--because I know she is going to be a better girlfriend to you that I could have ever been. You're laughing on the phone, and before you hang up, say you love her.

Finally you look at me and I know it is my time to leave. I get up to go and getting my things from you didn't matter anymore. My heart was telling me it was time to let you go. Time to go and find my path else where. My heart belongs only to me-- I just have to see fit that the next person I give it out--won't hurt me like that again--or worse. (11:14am)


This next dream is all about things being transformative.

I was at a roller skating rink by myself.
I was skating to "Public Affair" by Jessica Simpson when I rounded the corner and fell down.
Everyone was streaming by me as I tried to get up, when the woman disk jockey in the middle of the skating rink stops the music and tells everyone to look up at the disco lights.

I look up and see this huge butterfly.  It's colors were like the stripes of a tiger. She was exclaiming how it was a very rare type of butterfly and there only existed 2 in the whole world. I stared on in awe, as she tried to get her net and catch it.  She wanted us all to take in the glory of her butterfly... but she also did not want it to go free.  It was her responsibility to keep it alive-- and find it's mate so that it's species will live on.

At that, the doors of the skating rink opened, and she shouts to the bouncers to close them.  I secretly wanted the butterfly to go out into the open air, and be free--but they trapped it inside.  

I finally got up and held my hand up.  I fluttered over to me and landed on my left hand.  It sat there for a little bit, as I held my breath, hoping it wouldn't get scared and fly away.

Instead, it lifted itself up a bit, and in a flash transformed into a very large koi fish.

It was golden, white, orange, with red lips and flew in a circle twice in the air, before it descended and grazed it's silvery body against the top of my head.  

I brushed off the scales it left and watched it fly away into a pond inside the entryway of the rink.***end of dream