My Different Smiles

It's the middle of the day,

I haven't heard from you since.

As I look into the sky, I can't help but wish,

You'd have the sense to come and comfort me.

That someday, oh someday...

Learn all my faces and different smiles

Without hesitations.

Still at work, I've been waiting for your ring.

Whenever I hear your song,

It makes me want to dance around and sing.

---

I think I've scared you away finally,

I think my message is this:

---

What's going on with you, love?

Where are we going with this?

At one moment it's breathless,

Then you give up, and thats it.

It's like there's not

Enough of me you can hold onto

To catch your fall.

There's not enough of me,

That can keep this on forever.

Reach out to me,

Hold on for dear life.

I want the little moments to last.

I need you love, to try.

6/25/09 2:10am

Out of Complimentary Hearts

(11:09am 12/09-12/13/08)

***Wrote this early 2008, after a dry spell in the love department. Was meant to go out during February... but needed to tweak it a lil bit.)

This comes out, just two months shy.

An early reminder of what I shan't try.

With a box of chalk and peppermint drops.

I'll draw out our names, and cross out the hearts.

Hello, you, predatory month of love.

What really, when I'm thinking, was I thinking of?

To lose myself to unconsciousness in this purported Cupid's game.

He who takes shots at open hearts,

And leaves them fending alone in the dark, afraid.

You, yes you.

Your promise of romance, contrite.

To all those in the past year,

I say with words I will not revise.

These next four stanzas,

Separately stand for each one

that's gone.

This my forever goodbye and so long.

Hey, do you remember my love note of yesteryear?

Our moonlit adventure hand in hand,

Running over fountains without fear?

It was that special time of year,

When you went and gave love away.

Now you call me on terms of friendship.

And I think I know you,

But don't appreciate false overlay.

----

What of Forgetting Sarah Marshall

and late night ice-cream?

Great adventures, but still a lil young it seemed.

You and I stuck in a moment of complexity.

Where my heart was still recovering from loss,

and yours was just starting to dream.

Was it love I think?

Maybe for you, but not for me.

We're still friends and on good terms,

Thank god for that relief.

How about our cool night, high on the hills?

Us looking up into the stars above,

And slow dancing to a summertime chill.

I thought we knew each other then,

My hopefulness; obvious like a schoolgirl crush.

But all you really wanted in truth,

Was nothing more than a quick rush.

A dreamy summer love, a few short weeks in make-believe.

I'll always remember your green eyes,

The laughing and fiddling nervously like geeks.

Remember our night drive to the red and white bee?

Ate famous chicken, even swam in a yellow and blue sea.

Me laughing at everything you'd say, you were hilarious!

As we took playful pictures and reveled being silly.

On a serious note, shared the past baggage over green tea.

About all the letdowns, fall-outs, and future things.

We weren't looking for anyone in particular,

Still you claimed you'd try wining my heart to your favor.

Sure we tried, but you seem unready like myself.

Relationship is not what I'm needing.

I'm sorry if I've put you through too much.

It's just that I've been on this beaten track for so long.

Retrying and re-dying what I already know is wrong.

This constant recycle of broken parts, left me depleted.

Now I want nothing more than to get out and breathe.

Which brings me to the conclusion:

If love is what I've been watching out for,

Then why has it been so confusing?

Just when I think it's here,

It up and leaves as if there's a plague.

Or I try too hard, and scare them away.

I shall no longer mull over possible reasons.

Especially now that I'm out with whatever this is.

A respite, maybe, towards a loveless season.

Heh, those candy hearts with pleasant words on front.

Chuck em out the window for that's all their worth.

Sigh. I'll find you again.

I'm sure of it. 'Cuz I still dream.

But love you're so confusing that for now,

I'll just leave it alone and be free.

So the deflector shields are up,

My radar on and ready.

Cupid try your best,

but I'm sticking to my guns:

By keeping strong and steady.

Bright Lights

Your bright lights right in front of me.

Found a heart so bold, but I was too afraid to see.

That all along, you were right in front of me.

It's alright--I'll be okay. This always happens anyway.

I'm not gone, I just can't stay.

Found a heart so bold, but I pushed him away.

Pictures hanging all around my walls.

Realizing timing is what got us all.

I never seem to ever really,

Understand the importance of,

Having you so near me.

It's alright--I'll be okay. This always happens anyway.

I'm not gone, I just can't stay.

Found a heart so bold, but I pushed him away.

So as I lay down tonight,

I think up, a million times,

True words I could have said to you.

My words now, nothing more left to say.

It's alright--I'll be okay. This always happens anyway.

I'm not gone, I just can't stay.

Found a heart so bold, but I pushed him away.

I'm so afraid but I can't be made

To go falling down the rabbit hole,

Or play all these games.

I need time. But I can't make you wait.

That's not fair, especially with all this rain.

Found your heart was gold, again I failed to see.

That all along, you were right in front of me.

It's alright--Soon and someday...

You'll find that girl who's gonna love you unconditionally.

Cheers to 2010

12:47am-- Happy New Years--To 2010!

It's twelve forty-seven

As I sit here and reminisce...

Of my very first chaste

(Well last years!)

Happy New Year's kiss.

You may not remember.

Or would rather just forget.

I should have know better,

My life then on

Would be forever different.

I got to know your family.

You got to know mine.

I even let you once,

In innocence spend the night.

Never have I ever,

Given myself so much that way.

Never will I ever,

Discount myself ever again.

You chased me here and there.

Other suitors on pursuit.

Up and down the rabbit hole,

When we finally understood:

We were in it to win it.

You wanted me, I wanted you.

Then one January morning,

All I needed was an answer,

And we were something more.

Valentines was romantic...

Yet why are you always late?

Or lagging in response,

To important questions I make?

Three months. The magic number.

Shame on me, I should of known better.

Three times I let you back into my heart.

Shame on you, we shouldn't have weathered...

Never will I ever,

Give away so much that way.

Never shall I ever,

Lose myself in love again.

For now: we both end up with this.

It's a heartbreak warfare

Broken piece of ****.

Sad but true. I even gave in.

First loves are always the hardest,

To move on and get over with.

Oh it's a new year baby.

I'm starting out fresh.

Throwing out the garbage,

And leaving out all of this.

Love, you're such a tragedy.

I wonder if I ever deserved you.

Cuz I've changed so much this year:

And it was all because of:

Delusions and moons.

Never again.

Broken Record

12.20.09 Written this with inspiration from "the Sun and Moon" by Mae.

***I made my own closure.

Verse I:

The moment I felt the magic flow

I tried my best to let it go.

But words you said,

And things you did

Eventually brought me back to you.

Rollercoaster ride all over again.

We keep repeating same mistakes

Never meant to be replayed.

Instead of loving us,

We grow apart everyday.

And it hurts when you know

Oh it hurts when it shows.

Chorus:

When you try, and try, and try

When you lost all hope but so many times

It's like eyes aren't what they need to be

Your heart so broken up,

You can't even see.

This broken record, stuck on repeat.

Verse II:

I let you go, you let me be.

In two weeks time, you're gonna call me.

Everytime I was almost over you,

Now third time is the charm,

When we finally let it fall through.

Chorus

Rollercoaster ride, done and over with.

Perpetual chaos lost in motion again,

I know we'll still care for each other,

Just it's not the same.

Bridge:

So many reasons our love failed

This broken record player keeps on it's track.

Should we leave it alone,

Before our worlds crash?

I cried and cried knowing what we lost

I let that part of me die,

To regain back my trust.

If things remind me of you,

I'll just leave them be.

So, turn up the record player, honey

That song they're playing

Is for you and me.