Tales of Em Elisse.

Here it was again. That nagging feeling. That tug at my heart.

Em sat at her window seat, staring out the dewy pane of the AmTrak, thinking about the past 24 hours.

Laughter. Being held so close in those arms, but what was it that kept her back? What kept making her feel this way other than her own defenses and walls, that no matter how many times she lets them down for a crack, they come shooting back up by the slightest mishap.

She could tell she'd been quiet way too long after their talk.

He was sitting right beside her, still gripping her right hand as if he was her only anchor. The feeling of his warm fingers on hers, the faint throb of his increased heart rate, all signs pointed to the inevitable.

Not wanting to hear it, she decides to stay mute. Defiant is her face, and her stomach is grumbling in protest, but there was no way she would give up her stance now.

King of Anything

Keep drinking coffee, stare me down across the table
While I look outside.
So many things I’d say if only I were able.
But I just keep quiet and count the cars that pass by.

You’ve got opinions, man
We’re all entitled to ‘em, but I never asked
So let me thank you for your time, and try not to waste anymore of mine
And get out of here fast

I hate to break it to you babe, but I’m not drowning
There’s no one here to save

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me.
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

You sound so innocent, all full of good intent
Swear you know best
But you expect me to jump up on board with you
And ride off into your delusional sunset

I’m not the one who’s lost with no direction
But you’ll never see
You’re so busy making maps with my name on them in all caps
You got the talking down, just not the listening

And who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

All my life I’ve tried to make everybody happy
While I just hurt and hide
Waiting for someone to tell me it’s my turn to decide

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

Let me hold your crown, babe.


Music & Lyrics respectively by Sara Barielles.

Opening Up Is the Hardest Thing

♥ ***Random streams of consciousness.


Pictures of you, and pictures of me.
Stream by as I run down a hallway
Of falling red, maple leaves.

Your blurred face smiles back,
Sequentially into a future of make believe.

I'll always remember your large eyes,
And penchant for breaking into dance.
But these memories of you and I,
Are finally dying down, left to the past.

Yes still I'm running, but not so much in fearful gait.
Moving towards something else,
I can't seem to make out his perfect face.
You're smiling at me, arms outstretched,
Just waiting and waiting.

My words ring through:
Don't rush, don't push, and eventually babe:
I'll be at the same level as you,
Please, just be patient with me.

I'm sorry things turned out the way it had to be.
I still have dreams of lost friendships,
Of misunderstandings and broken feelings.
Remembering all that you've done,
I know the hardest thing was letting go.
For you to move on and live happily,
That route was best for you.

But of one thing you've taught me,
Never give into the pressure of falling back into love.
Cuz really, such a magical experience should never be forced,
And can only keep growing on foundations of trust.

As I muse on past happenings,
Let's get back to who we are,
And what you and I believe.

I love your turtle faces which make me laugh uncontrollably.
The way you lean down closer,
Just cuz I'm five inches shorter,
Proves to me you like me the way I am,
You're not trying to fix me.

You hold me tight, and refuse to let go.
I feel so close to you, I hope I show,
More than enough reassurance that my heart
Is opening up to you.

Let's keep this pace, a light-hearted walk,
With occasional mid-day naps in quiet parks.
I'll make sure I keep you smiling as much
As you keep me sane.

Thank you so much, my lovely Prince,
for always giving me your best.
I'm falling and this time, I'm not afraid.

I am ready for love.

Music & Lyrics Quoted Respectively by: India Arie

I am ready for love.
Why are you hiding from me?
I'd quickly give my freedom,
To be held in your captivity.

I am ready for love.
All of the joy and the pain.
And all the time that it takes,
Just to stay in your good grace.

Lately I've been thinking,
Maybe you're not ready for me?
Maybe you think I need to learn maturity.
They say watch what you ask for,
Cause you might receive...
But if you ask me tomorrow,
I'll say the same thing.

I am ready for love.
Would you please lend me your ear?
I promise I won't complain.
I just need you to acknowledge I am here.

If you give me half a chance,
I'll prove this to you:
I will be patient, kind, faithful and true.
To a man who loves music,
A man who loves art,
Respect's the spirit world,
And thinks with his heart.

I am ready for love.
If you'll take me in your hands,
I will learn what you teach...
And do the best that I can.

I am ready for love.
Here with an offering of:
My voice.
My Eyes.
My soul.
My mind.

Tell me what is enough,
To prove I am ready for love.

I am ready.

♥ ♥ ♥

Butterfly, Koi, and Past Loves 01/21/10

January 21st, 2010

This is the second time I've had this dream. I know for sure now, I need to let you go. I always knew the truth of the matter--that you found another heart to love--and that's okay. I'm happy for you, and glad actually. I want the best for you--and happiness.

***Dream:

I thought I told myself I would never be here again. The last time that happened, I let my heart take over and fell into a big, black mess. I let you kiss me and I started crying again.

But that was then. This is now. I've already dreamed this before--a week after I let you go. You remember that, now?

Well, here I am. Back in your room. You're laying on your bed talking to someone on your phone. I knew it was her. In a way, I was glad it was her. You've always wanted a good girl to settle down with. Someone who would show you the light in her ways. Someone who loved you for who you were, and didn't force you to change. A girl with a big heart, a beautiful voice, and was forever patient.

I looked over at you. You didn't see me. I don't think you even cared I was sitting there at all. I didn't matter what I felt. I didn't exist. I was just a person in your past who hurt you and now am left with the little pieces.

Why was I there in the first place? Oh. I remember.

You said you were going to give me back my belt. My stuff--my heart. You were going to give it back, but in reality--you gave it away a long, long time ago.

Now here we are, me sitting across from you-- watching you talk to that lucky girl I knew would end up with you after me. It did pain to see you talk to her with such softness you rarely showed me--but like I said, it didn't matter anymore. My brain was telling me:

LOOK at this. You see he is happy. That is all that ever mattered. He is finally emerging from the darkness. In him knowing you--it brought him to finding her.

I hear you call her by her last name. Chapman.

I smile--because I know she is going to be a better girlfriend to you that I could have ever been. You're laughing on the phone, and before you hang up, say you love her.

Finally you look at me and I know it is my time to leave. I get up to go and getting my things from you didn't matter anymore. My heart was telling me it was time to let you go. Time to go and find my path else where. My heart belongs only to me-- I just have to see fit that the next person I give it out--won't hurt me like that again--or worse. (11:14am)


This next dream is all about things being transformative.

I was at a roller skating rink by myself.
I was skating to "Public Affair" by Jessica Simpson when I rounded the corner and fell down.
Everyone was streaming by me as I tried to get up, when the woman disk jockey in the middle of the skating rink stops the music and tells everyone to look up at the disco lights.

I look up and see this huge butterfly.  It's colors were like the stripes of a tiger. She was exclaiming how it was a very rare type of butterfly and there only existed 2 in the whole world. I stared on in awe, as she tried to get her net and catch it.  She wanted us all to take in the glory of her butterfly... but she also did not want it to go free.  It was her responsibility to keep it alive-- and find it's mate so that it's species will live on.

At that, the doors of the skating rink opened, and she shouts to the bouncers to close them.  I secretly wanted the butterfly to go out into the open air, and be free--but they trapped it inside.  

I finally got up and held my hand up.  I fluttered over to me and landed on my left hand.  It sat there for a little bit, as I held my breath, hoping it wouldn't get scared and fly away.

Instead, it lifted itself up a bit, and in a flash transformed into a very large koi fish.

It was golden, white, orange, with red lips and flew in a circle twice in the air, before it descended and grazed it's silvery body against the top of my head.  

I brushed off the scales it left and watched it fly away into a pond inside the entryway of the rink.***end of dream

Time and Scene 09/03/09

My dream. I'm time warping and heart broken.
--------------------------------------


(This saying keeps ringing in my head...)

"His name is Matt. Remember his name." As if we were meant to be together somehow...?

No matter. Continue on to my dream...

I found myself lost and disoriented, sitting in a cloud of Arizona dust in the middle of nowhere. 'Where was I?"

Still dizzy and reeling from the effects of sifting through time, I was starting to regret this wish and already started missing my family. ***flashback to the last time I saw them***

It was summer of 09. My family and I were walking through the strip malls of Las Vegas, NV. I was not in a particularly great mood. Hungry, hot, and tired, I wanted nothing more than to go up to our room to sleep and be let alone. We have been shopping all day, I was just about done with the madness.

Looking around the mall, I spot a cool spot to sit at a buffet restaurant. At this point I'm beyond hungry. I was just interested in the decor of this particular place.

I didn't realize I was sitting and taking up space in their lobby. I had just borrowed an extra chair, sat it against a random wall and sat there in contemplation.

Not realizing I looked rather odd by being alone, a waiter stops by and asks me, "Oh honey, have you lost your parents?" He was bent down as if I were this 12 yr. old lil girl. Peeved, I smile and reply, "Why, do I look like I'm lost?" I was holding up my photo ID, clearly giving off I was much older than I looked. He apologized for intruding on me, and went his own way. I was content here. I wanted nothing more than to sleep.

Just as I was about to doze off, my family comes barging in. My loud little brothers, my quiet and brooding step-dad, and my annoying questioning mother. It was a buffet. I knew they were going to find this place sooner or later.

They see me hanging out "invisible" from them, and decide to bother me even more. My mom dumps her bags and her purse on me and runs off with Dexter to find a table. Meanwhile, my step-dad is just trudging along, all the while looking back at me as if he thinks I'm going to run away. Irritation keeps building up... and I decide to go over there and give her a piece of my mind.

Going over to my mom, I throw all her stuff onto the table and say rather harshly, "Mom! Can't you see I was trying to relax over there? I'm very tired. I need some alone time. Why are you leaving me with all your stuff? You need your purse and bags if you want to keep them. I can't always be looking out for them! You know what, I've had enough of this vacation, I'm going home." She just sits there staring at me blankly, as if whatever I said was just a hissy fit. I was really leaving to go home. Whether it was on a bus or walking.

I leave the restaurant, where I find my step-dad sitting outside eating peanuts. He gives me this worried look that he's afraid of where I'm going. I just shake my head at him and walk away from them all into the light of day outside the strip mall. ***That's all I could remember from then...***

Back to where I sat.

I don't know how I knew where I was this time, but I could just tell from the smell of the dirt, I was somewhere in the middle of Arizona. The first thing that hit me: it was dry. Hot but not as hot as I expected Arizona dessert to feel. A little breezy but not a dry, all-consuming wind.

Rubbing my face, I realize I'm brushing away salt encrusted tears. Why had I been crying?

I was still sitting in a heap of dust, when a red rubber ball comes flying my way. I hear a faint, "Head's up!" The moment I looked up, I automatically held up my hands and caught the ball above my head, barely touching my forehead. My mind was still dazed, but I was slowly opening up to that I wasn't the only living person up here.

Up here meaning, I was sitting on top of very flat area of the Grand Canyon. A few miles behind me was the Colorado River, ready and waiting for anything to fall in.

I looked across the way and saw five figures standing, staring, squinting to see who or what it was that got their ball. I didn't realize someone from their group was running over to check the situation out.

Still sitting there dazed, I feel someone approaching me cautiously.

Black short cropped hair. About 6'2''. He wore a black muscle tank, and dark washed jeans. Bent over with hands on over his knees, he squints at me asking, "Hey, where'd you just come from? You were there, and then you weren't there..."

My mind flips into protective mode. No one must know what I have been doing, or I am going to have to this journey sooner than planned.

Looking him straight in the eyes, I say, "I parachuted from the sky. My plane was going down and I had to get out." He looks up, looks around, and throws his arms out as if still questioning.

"You know, I don't see a trail of exhaust through the air, nor remnants of a used parachute... but whatever you say. As long as you're alright." He gives me his hand, and I take it to get up. I'm still holding their ball.

He's still staring at me inquisitively. As if he knew who I was. As if he was figuring me out already. I couldn't have that. The last time that happened, it got me to where I was right now. This journey I was on, was my quest to stay the hell away from falling in love again.

But something in my head kept saying, "His name is Matt. Remember him." Shaking myself from my delirium, I look over at the group of people he was with and motion to him, we should head back over. He accepts me as an addition just like that.

A girl with short brown hair sees me with him. I can already sense her protectiveness for him. She is in love with him and he doesn't know. Looking at her only, she was about to approach me with a fake smile but I could see, she already branded me as enemy. I was already used to this.

Everyone else comes forward and shakes my hand. "Hey, I'm so and so. Hi I'm so and so..." All the while, everyone is looking at the guy beside me. As if they were unsure to be freaked out, or calm about the matter.

A random girl just appeared in the middle of nowhere, supposedly from nowhere. Were they not supposed to question that?

No matter. They accepted me into their group and I started playing ball with them. It was a combination of basketball, soccer, and football. And it seemed, the longer I played with them, the worse I got with playing. I stopped catching the ball, I ducked, I threw too short. They were starting to get annoyed with my sudden lack of energy. The line was drawn when they threw two balls. I caught the other and let it rest on the ground by my feet, and ran as fast as I could to grab the one going towards the edge of the cliffs. Everyone was shouting at me to hurry, to grab it before they lose another one.

I was going to beat it. I was going to make it and save the ball from it's untimely death. But something inside me make me slow down, and watch it roll over the side. Everyone groaned in disappointment and yelled at me for being slow. I stood there thinking, "That could be me going over the edge. They could have had their ball if I had sacrificed my momentum by cutting it close trying to get that ball. It's just a ball!" I said that to myself, but I knew, my first impression to this action just erased all goodness they had in mind of me.

I look back at them. They already started walking away. Everyone except the guy who wasn't afraid to help me.

I was not surprised. At the same time, I was annoyed. Who was he trying to be the good guy and pretend he cared about this strange girl? I walked over to him and he lead me to where ever it was they lived.

Turns out they all lived together in a group home. They were all from broken families and considered each other brothers and sisters. They gave me a spare room that was close to his room. He still hadn't told me his name. But I suspected through intuition, it was Matt.

It's the next day. I wake up to go wash up. I walk into the rest room and pass him along the way. He was in the room next to it, fixing his hair. I saw him look at me from the reflection of the mirror. My heart jumped at the gaze he gave me. I was scared. I slammed the door to the restroom, eliciting annoyed responses from the rest of the house.

Fast forward through the mundanity. . .

I can do that. Fast forward through my day. If it's not worth remembering, I'll just skip the whole lot.

I'm in a store that feels particularly like a Walmart. I'm in the sock aisle. Why? Just because. I had run over here to get away from him. He was my "guardian," watching over me and at the same time, learning too much of me. I was getting scared. I hated being this vulnerable.

He was starting to notice I walked a few milliseconds faster than everyone else. If someone with a good eye, sat down and watched me. They might see the difference. But only someone special with that keen of eyesight and that open of mind could see it so clearly.

I remember him stopping me when were walking along the sidewalk through a throng of people. He said as he watched me navigate through the people, it was as if they opened up to my presence as I just seemed to glide effortlessly through them. A shimmer of gold around me seemed to pull me through them... and it just seemed somehow, no matter what time or what pace, I was moving through everything so much faster. He told me this, and this is why I am in a store like Walmart hiding in the socks department.

I hated this part. The part where I'm trapped in this part of life. This part of a world where I don't belong. I am moving too fast, and I can't stop it. I can't go back to my family, because they're already gone. The only thing I can do is keep moving forward and just suck up to what I'm learning to like again, but will soon lose again from the unpredictability of warping.

He finds me crouched over an open bag of socks. Holding out his hand, I grasp it ever so lightly. I'm looking away from him, but he isn't taking it. His other hand brushes my hair from my eyes, and at this, I finally look up at him. I'm shy. I'm vulnerable. I'm broken.

He says he isn't trying to fix me or keep me. All he wants is to show me how to love and live again. He is hugging me ever so gently. My heart is dying. He doesn't know. But I'll let this last chance run it's course. I'm realizing, this is the reason for my journey. I needed to learn this, I was meant to know him before I go. (12:12pm)
---end of dream---

Cabin Fever 11/01/08

It's a retreat into the mountains. Log cabin in a meadow. Out front is a river (Y) shaped, from the left and right.
We were unpacking all of the supplies. Some people had just gotten back from hiking, and with them was Lynn and some other guy. (His friend.)
I'm not irritated he's there surprisingly, and had even went up to hug him and say hello. He seemed in a very mischeivous mood, devious and mean.
I was walking around the cabin cleaning up, when I saw him and his pal cutting out letters from construction paper. I get this feeling they are talking about me and it is. He was whispering to him about how stupid I was to think that he would be nice to me after all my bullshit.
I hear that and look on the floor where they displayed their letters.

It spelt out B-I-C-H.

It was missing a T-which I had found and crumpled up, and thrown away. I had feigned saying I knew what they were making, it spelled out a type of "tree" (birch).

They just laughed.

It was on the that laugh that I grabbed Lynn by the shoulders and pushed him against the wall.

I asked him, "Dude! What is your problem? We all came here to have a nice relaxation and here you are trying to stir up trouble. What the fuck? You think just because we have past history, and just cuz you KNOW I used to like you more than friends that you can be like that? God! You should actually be the one apologizing to ME and saying sorry for being such a jerk. Wait. You know what? Honestly,"

I look him in the eye and he's still looking at me like I'm crazy, "All I wanted was for us to be good friends after. And I tried. I went out on a limb and cared enough to try. But you? I don't know about you. Maybe it's the thought that you had so much ego about it, you didn't even care. Even after what you said. You're words never ring true as much as what I'm gonna ask you now. Do you even want to be friends?"

I shake him and he's laughing, "No. Obviously I don't.'

I let him go and reply curtly, "Well then, that is done with. Peace."

I turn around and leave the cabin to jump into the lake for a cool swim. To my dismay, I see it is riddled with fallen trees, roots, and pine needles. I'm on a sandbank looking in water when I see a submerged box, with some of my articles in it.

It is the geisha painting Yuki made for me.

It was getting soaked as I was desperately trying to dig it out, but it wouldn't budge. Plus my phone and camera were perched precariously on a table about to fall into the water.

I'm trying to grab my electronics as well as my painting when some filipino guy in a canoe comes by and smacks me on the butt.

I glare at him and he is quick to paddle away.

I get this odd feeling that it wasn't going to be the last time I saw him, and put in my mind I would get him later.


***Side note: That is so funny I had this dream so long ago. Some of this has already happened, and I did get that filipino guy back later. Jerk. (-Me-3/2/10)

Lucy: Bringer of Light 10/14/07

My Dream 10/14/07 (3:01:45 PM)


(All My Loving by the Beatles plays in the background.)
The dream starts out with two teenagers playing around in the snow. Snow is falling down in slow motion and it feels like a romantic moment. It turns out being a young girl, blonde hair, and blue eyes, laughing and having the time of her life with this nice guy named Jude.
He clearly loved her. He just lit up every time he heard her laugh and as they both fell down into each other’s arms on the newly fallen snow, he crooks his head over to hers and kisses her atop her head. There are snowflakes piling up on her lashes but she just blinks them happily away, and looks up into her Jude’s face.

Lucy is her name. A bringer of light.
And that was what exactly came into Jude’s life the moment he saw her.


Jude, a striking young man, tall, with disheveled brown hair walks into an abandoned factory for his usual practice play with the band. They had an opening gig for Hole in the Wall Pub, and he had some doubts about Aly’s vocal abilities of late. The crew spotted him as he emerged from the outer darkness into the lone patch of light they had. Luckily for them, a few bulbs still worked with what was left of the building. So there he was, his red Fender strapped over his shoulder. He nods to the crew and they all start arranging themselves for their first song. Aly was sitting on an old crate looking her usual glum self. Though, the moment she hears his voice, she jumps to her feet and skips over to him.
“Hey Jud-ie. You haven’t been to the last few practices, we were worried you were gonna bail on the us man.”
She looks at him with her puppy dog eyes and he just laughs.
“Al-ie, dear, with those vocals last week, I thought I’d give you some time to mend it up a bit on your own. No way would I bail, I just need you to beef it up.”
Aly now has this look of hurt and she just wanders back over to her mic.

One-two-three goes the drummer’s sticks and they start off their practice. Jude is feeling the song and then Aly goes off on her wailing moment again. His perfect amplification distorts to an awkward halt. The rest of the group stops and Aly trails off. Looking back over her shoulder she shouts, “What man! I’m doing fine! What the up with that?!?” Hands over her hips she looks at all of them and is practically oblivious to the problem.
Jude sighs heavily and walks over to her.
“Aly, I know you have a cold, don’t strain yourself like that, just keep it smooth and effortless. No need to bring excess to it.”
Aly is furious now, “What! That’s my style man, the reason why you guys even have a lead right now. Psh, you guys are seriously acting like asses!”
With that, she storms off and leaves the rest of her band mates in an awkward moment.
Jude racks a hand through his hair and shrugs his shoulders. Nothing else was gonna work out today so they all mine as well call it a day. He tells the crew to pack up their stuff and head out.

Meanwhile, Aly is still stomping off when she runs into her stepsister Lucy. She was ahead of her playing in the snow without proper warmth. Aly shouts at her, catching her sister’s attention and runs over towards her. Lucy gives Aly a huge smile and throws open her arms for a bear hug. Instead, Aly grabs her hands and jerks her out from the snow to the shelter of an awning. Jude was rounding the corner when he saw the two.

“Lucy! What are you doing here?!? I told you to stay home and watch some TV and I would be back in a little bit…Lucy, you know not to come out with gloves and a hat. You don’t want to get sick like me right?”

Lucy looks into her sister’s worried face and shakes her head no.
“But, Aly is out in the cold, and she is sick. Lucy is worried about Aly. Aly’s a good big sister…Lucy is sorry…”

Jude wondered about the whole thing. He never knew Aly had a sister. He approaches the two.
“Hey Al…” he starts but he stops in mid sentence.

Aly was furiously taking off one of her jackets to give to Lucy. The moment he looked into Lucy’s eyes, he felt an odd sensation bloom in his heart. Smiling uncontrollably, he has his eyes on Lucy. She was busy letting her sister put the jacket on her, but upon seeing Jude smiling at her, she couldn’t help but bashfully look back at him and smile as well. Aly turns around to find Jude there and lashes at him.
“Well look who’s here. Here to apologize for your rude interruption?”

Jude looks at Aly and shakes his head. “No, I’m here just because I’m here. Who’s your friend?”

Aly scoffs disdain and introduces them. “Jude this is my step-sister Lucy. Lucy hun, this is my friend Jude. Nice to meet each other? Yes. Now we have to get going now. Bye!” With that, Aly takes the arm of Lucy and they swiftly turn around and walk away from him. Lucy is obviously in a blunder and is looking back at him in confusion, but waves a quick bye.

Jude is still smiling to himself. Shaking his head, he wonders if he’ll ever see Lucy again.


The next week, Jude and the band did so well on their gig, a major recording label decided to sign them. To celebrate, the gang went back to their abandoned building and decided to jam for one last time. Aly was on one of the stair singing a slow ballad, “Under the weather,” by K.T. Tunstall, and he was kicking around beer cans. That’s when Lucy came out of nowhere. This time she was in the right attire for the weather. She approaches the crew and they all stop what they’re doing and say a happy hello. She is clearly unsure of where she was until she saw Jude. She ran right over to him and gave him a huge hug. It was uncalled for and he felt rather out of breath to feel her this close to him. He reciprocated the hug and smiled down at her. His crew all hooped and hollered until Aly got there. All the happiness seemed to drain upon seeing her face.
She walks over calmly towards the two hugging. Lucy, seeing her sister at last, lets go of Jude and moves towards her for a hug as well, but is waved away rudely. Aly walks up to Jude, looking at him up and down. He is now wondering why she is doing such and asks, “Uh, what up with the fire?” Aly laughs and looks back up at him. This time in a sort of longing.
“Jude, congrats on the band, our label, our future. But one thing I just can’t let you have, is my Lucy.”

He looks at her like, “What!?” and shakes his head. Aly glances at the ground and back at him and starts to explain.

“To Lucy, you’re just a new friend. But she can’t see past that. She can’t comprehend anything other than friendship. Have you ever heard of autism? That is why I said I can’t let you have her. Lucy is my stepsister, and I care enough for her to not feel what she might feel once you’re done with her… I don’t know if any of that made any sense, but I just had to tell you this one moment. I’ve had my fun, now that Lucy’s here, I have to take her home.”

She walks over to her sister, who takes her arm. Lucy waves back to the crew and smiles goodbye.

Jude is standing there confused. His mates come up to him and shake their head as well. Man Aly was getting kind a psycho on them lately.




Spring came around and he found himself at a corporate dinner one night. He was in casual wear, wandering through the crowd aimlessly. A few beautiful girls would stop him and chat but he never seemed that interested. That was when he spotted her through the crowd. His Lucy. He couldn’t help but start to smile when she turned around and spotted him as well. She moved off to the side, away from the crowd out to the empty parking lot.
He moved his way through the crowd and exited the same way as she did. He heard running and followed the sound. Splashing of water and then silence. He noticed a lot of people were running around and hiding too. All around him were small ponds with lush vegetation. The glowing string of lights above him illuminated his pathway as he went around searching for his Lucy. For some odd reason, he felt drawn to a certain area and upon dipping a foot into the pond, he saw movement behind the plants and swiveled himself in. There right beside him was Lucy. She looked rather surprised that he found her so stealthily. He was about to say how glad he was to see her when she silenced him with her fingertips. His breath caught in his throat. His heart seemed to beat faster than usual. She moved closer into him and practically hung onto him. He could sense her anxiety. The searchers were on the watch and nearing. They both held their breaths and waited it out. At the moment they thought they had been overlooked, everyone lunged into their spot and uncovered them. Lucy sprang out of the pond laughing up her lungs and Jude could help but laugh along with her contagious laughter. Everyone threw confetti and silly string in the air. All this was a surprise for Lucy’s 19th birthday.

Jude and her were walking through the gardens, him holding her hand dearly, as she looked up at the stars in amazement. She looks over at him and gives her bashful smile. He tugs her closer to him and they stop next to a vine of orange trumpets. He smoothes a piece of hair around her ear and cups her face in his hand. She looks down from shyness, but he pulls her gaze back at him. Her hands resting on his chest, she leans into him and he meets her lips, in an innocent, chaste, and perfect kiss.
Her eyes open to find he didn’t close his the whole time and she breaks away from him. She feels her lips with her fingertips and wonders over the sensations running through her. He reaches out for her hand, which she takes, and they continue to walk back to the rest of the party.



Scene from before the party:

It’s still winter. And Jude has been hanging around after practice lately. Even Lucy comes a little earlier than usual to meet with Aly. Aly notices the odd chemistry between the two. A part of her feels happy to see her sister finally experiencing love, but a majority of her is rather jealous Jude has his attentions to the other. For the past five years, she’s tried so hard to move out of just being his “band mate” to girlfriend. Now that Lucy has gone and complicated the whole thing, she adamantly states to Jude it was totally wrong for him to try and make Lucy fall in love with him. She couldn’t comprehend that kind of love, and for him to even try with a person like her, was morally wrong. They would never last, so Aly thought.

My Different Smiles

It's the middle of the day,

I haven't heard from you since.

As I look into the sky, I can't help but wish,

You'd have the sense to come and comfort me.

That someday, oh someday...

Learn all my faces and different smiles

Without hesitations.

Still at work, I've been waiting for your ring.

Whenever I hear your song,

It makes me want to dance around and sing.

---

I think I've scared you away finally,

I think my message is this:

---

What's going on with you, love?

Where are we going with this?

At one moment it's breathless,

Then you give up, and thats it.

It's like there's not

Enough of me you can hold onto

To catch your fall.

There's not enough of me,

That can keep this on forever.

Reach out to me,

Hold on for dear life.

I want the little moments to last.

I need you love, to try.

6/25/09 2:10am

Out of Complimentary Hearts

(11:09am 12/09-12/13/08)

***Wrote this early 2008, after a dry spell in the love department. Was meant to go out during February... but needed to tweak it a lil bit.)

This comes out, just two months shy.

An early reminder of what I shan't try.

With a box of chalk and peppermint drops.

I'll draw out our names, and cross out the hearts.

Hello, you, predatory month of love.

What really, when I'm thinking, was I thinking of?

To lose myself to unconsciousness in this purported Cupid's game.

He who takes shots at open hearts,

And leaves them fending alone in the dark, afraid.

You, yes you.

Your promise of romance, contrite.

To all those in the past year,

I say with words I will not revise.

These next four stanzas,

Separately stand for each one

that's gone.

This my forever goodbye and so long.

Hey, do you remember my love note of yesteryear?

Our moonlit adventure hand in hand,

Running over fountains without fear?

It was that special time of year,

When you went and gave love away.

Now you call me on terms of friendship.

And I think I know you,

But don't appreciate false overlay.

----

What of Forgetting Sarah Marshall

and late night ice-cream?

Great adventures, but still a lil young it seemed.

You and I stuck in a moment of complexity.

Where my heart was still recovering from loss,

and yours was just starting to dream.

Was it love I think?

Maybe for you, but not for me.

We're still friends and on good terms,

Thank god for that relief.

How about our cool night, high on the hills?

Us looking up into the stars above,

And slow dancing to a summertime chill.

I thought we knew each other then,

My hopefulness; obvious like a schoolgirl crush.

But all you really wanted in truth,

Was nothing more than a quick rush.

A dreamy summer love, a few short weeks in make-believe.

I'll always remember your green eyes,

The laughing and fiddling nervously like geeks.

Remember our night drive to the red and white bee?

Ate famous chicken, even swam in a yellow and blue sea.

Me laughing at everything you'd say, you were hilarious!

As we took playful pictures and reveled being silly.

On a serious note, shared the past baggage over green tea.

About all the letdowns, fall-outs, and future things.

We weren't looking for anyone in particular,

Still you claimed you'd try wining my heart to your favor.

Sure we tried, but you seem unready like myself.

Relationship is not what I'm needing.

I'm sorry if I've put you through too much.

It's just that I've been on this beaten track for so long.

Retrying and re-dying what I already know is wrong.

This constant recycle of broken parts, left me depleted.

Now I want nothing more than to get out and breathe.

Which brings me to the conclusion:

If love is what I've been watching out for,

Then why has it been so confusing?

Just when I think it's here,

It up and leaves as if there's a plague.

Or I try too hard, and scare them away.

I shall no longer mull over possible reasons.

Especially now that I'm out with whatever this is.

A respite, maybe, towards a loveless season.

Heh, those candy hearts with pleasant words on front.

Chuck em out the window for that's all their worth.

Sigh. I'll find you again.

I'm sure of it. 'Cuz I still dream.

But love you're so confusing that for now,

I'll just leave it alone and be free.

So the deflector shields are up,

My radar on and ready.

Cupid try your best,

but I'm sticking to my guns:

By keeping strong and steady.

Bright Lights

Your bright lights right in front of me.

Found a heart so bold, but I was too afraid to see.

That all along, you were right in front of me.

It's alright--I'll be okay. This always happens anyway.

I'm not gone, I just can't stay.

Found a heart so bold, but I pushed him away.

Pictures hanging all around my walls.

Realizing timing is what got us all.

I never seem to ever really,

Understand the importance of,

Having you so near me.

It's alright--I'll be okay. This always happens anyway.

I'm not gone, I just can't stay.

Found a heart so bold, but I pushed him away.

So as I lay down tonight,

I think up, a million times,

True words I could have said to you.

My words now, nothing more left to say.

It's alright--I'll be okay. This always happens anyway.

I'm not gone, I just can't stay.

Found a heart so bold, but I pushed him away.

I'm so afraid but I can't be made

To go falling down the rabbit hole,

Or play all these games.

I need time. But I can't make you wait.

That's not fair, especially with all this rain.

Found your heart was gold, again I failed to see.

That all along, you were right in front of me.

It's alright--Soon and someday...

You'll find that girl who's gonna love you unconditionally.

Cheers to 2010

12:47am-- Happy New Years--To 2010!

It's twelve forty-seven

As I sit here and reminisce...

Of my very first chaste

(Well last years!)

Happy New Year's kiss.

You may not remember.

Or would rather just forget.

I should have know better,

My life then on

Would be forever different.

I got to know your family.

You got to know mine.

I even let you once,

In innocence spend the night.

Never have I ever,

Given myself so much that way.

Never will I ever,

Discount myself ever again.

You chased me here and there.

Other suitors on pursuit.

Up and down the rabbit hole,

When we finally understood:

We were in it to win it.

You wanted me, I wanted you.

Then one January morning,

All I needed was an answer,

And we were something more.

Valentines was romantic...

Yet why are you always late?

Or lagging in response,

To important questions I make?

Three months. The magic number.

Shame on me, I should of known better.

Three times I let you back into my heart.

Shame on you, we shouldn't have weathered...

Never will I ever,

Give away so much that way.

Never shall I ever,

Lose myself in love again.

For now: we both end up with this.

It's a heartbreak warfare

Broken piece of ****.

Sad but true. I even gave in.

First loves are always the hardest,

To move on and get over with.

Oh it's a new year baby.

I'm starting out fresh.

Throwing out the garbage,

And leaving out all of this.

Love, you're such a tragedy.

I wonder if I ever deserved you.

Cuz I've changed so much this year:

And it was all because of:

Delusions and moons.

Never again.

Broken Record

12.20.09 Written this with inspiration from "the Sun and Moon" by Mae.

***I made my own closure.

Verse I:

The moment I felt the magic flow

I tried my best to let it go.

But words you said,

And things you did

Eventually brought me back to you.

Rollercoaster ride all over again.

We keep repeating same mistakes

Never meant to be replayed.

Instead of loving us,

We grow apart everyday.

And it hurts when you know

Oh it hurts when it shows.

Chorus:

When you try, and try, and try

When you lost all hope but so many times

It's like eyes aren't what they need to be

Your heart so broken up,

You can't even see.

This broken record, stuck on repeat.

Verse II:

I let you go, you let me be.

In two weeks time, you're gonna call me.

Everytime I was almost over you,

Now third time is the charm,

When we finally let it fall through.

Chorus

Rollercoaster ride, done and over with.

Perpetual chaos lost in motion again,

I know we'll still care for each other,

Just it's not the same.

Bridge:

So many reasons our love failed

This broken record player keeps on it's track.

Should we leave it alone,

Before our worlds crash?

I cried and cried knowing what we lost

I let that part of me die,

To regain back my trust.

If things remind me of you,

I'll just leave them be.

So, turn up the record player, honey

That song they're playing

Is for you and me.