I Dream of Orcas

7:30am

That is the exact time I woke up today. I keep getting up earlier, and earlier it seems.

Last night, I had a wandering sort of dream. I can only remember two parts, considering I had to force myself to go to sleep all night. I think I finally dozed off around 4 or 5am... so late.

Dreammming:

I'm out in the ocean, floating in the cool, sea water waiting for my turn in the enclosure. I seem to be in a rehabilitative program that looks into the connection of mind, body, and spirit--by putting you in the open ocean, waiting for a whale or dolphin to befriend you. You have to be patient. Many from this group go days, to weeks, to months, to years trying to connect with these watery creatures. If one does find you, then the task is to allow yourself upon it's back. You must be patient, for they have to find you out of it's own accord. Also, they must trust you enough that they'll stay calm, and let you up on it's back. This experience is the basis of spiritual rehabilitation. For being being trusted by an Orca, is like being in touch with your deep, unconscious, spiritual feelings--to be one with your soul.

As I floated there, contained inside a circular partition that helped us maintain our current location, I feel the water beneath my feet stir ever so abruptly. At first, my heart races at thinking it was a shark. Then, I feel the creature graze it's smooth body against my leg, and realize, this was my whale. Before it broke the surface, the person before me, a young boy with spirally black/brown hair has just been introduced to his own whale. I was mesmerized by his Orca, watched it as it did a small flip and twirl over it's belly, and finally stayed still enough for him to try and climb aboard.

He is so scared. One look into his eyes, and you knew, he didn't know how to swim. He was lucky enough that he had a life jacket on, a bright yellow one, because the moment he tried to climb on top, he slips right off and lands back into the deep, dark ocean. I feel like I need to help him on. I wade on over, feeling through the water for something to grasp onto, and am surprised my own whale whom I have yet to see above the surface, has let me grab hold of it's dorsal fin and guided me over.

I'm a bit happy at this. It's been awhile since I last had such a strong connection to another animal being. I was lucky my own being was a whale.

I'm beside him now. I look into his face and know those eyes. He reminded me of someone I knew very well. I had just this person free from all the emotional destruction that consisted of our relationship. It was like looking at the boy version of him---

My heart tightened, but I really wanted to help him up. Part of this rehabilitative process was proving that even though you yourself can barely contain enough sanity to get along with life, being there for someone else who has it worse than you is the greatest progress.

He is crying. Crying from constantly slipping off his Orca, and crying because he is so afraid of being in the water. I held his hands, made him look me in the eyes and whispered words of courage to him. "Don't be afraid of this Orca. It is your friend, and with time, will be the one to guide you through your deepest, darkest moments. Do you see how it's colors are? How it's a solid black with white? Don't take things to be just that. Either, or. Good or Bad. Wrong or Right. There is always something more reasonable within the grayscale of decisions. Right now, you need to trust yourself and believe that you can do this. You deserve to know what it's like to have a true, real animal friend."

The tears stopped. There was stark determination in his eyes. He nods at the instructors that he is ready to try again. Again positioning himself beside the animal, the Orca pulls up a fin to give him leverage, and in one swift moment, the boy is finally sitting gracefully on top. Jubilant and surprised at how relieving it was to finally be out of the water, he gives me the hugest grin and blows a kiss to me. I smile back and watch him circle the yellow floaters that enclosed us.

The instructors behind me looked at me with admiration. What I'd just done was something they never thought I could achieve. I was out in open, ocean. Getting over my fear of swimming. I had no life jacket. I decided to use my own stamina and will power. Not only that, I just helped a fellow soul out--and that help was surely going to center him back spiritually. I smiled to myself as I felt the movements beneath my feet begin to quicken. Now it was my time to finally ride my Orca. I didn't have as much trouble as the boy thankfully. For it seemed the animal already knew how to approach me. As I dunked myself thoroughly back into the ocean, I looked deep into the waters, seeing the splendor of my Orca swimming up to let me grab onto it's dorsal fin. Just as we got in contact, we shot up and out above the water, landing in a great big splash. I just lay there on top, stroking it's smooth surface. Here I was, at peace out in open ocean, riding on top of the most graceful creature I'd ever come into contact with, an Orca.

--end.

This was an interesting insight to my emotional and spiritual place in life.

2am

12:50am

**A song I'm working on.

Verse I:
It's almost 2am baby,
And I believed in everything.
Movies made the most of it,
Stories told it all in lies and whims.

Chorus:
It's 2am baby,
I'm giving in to sleep.
I gave this heart to you,
But took it back in a leap.

Verse II:
I thought I'd let you have it.
It was something yours to keep.
But it's 2am baby,
And I need to sleep.

Chorus

Verse III:
I gave you time,
But you took too long.
Looks like I'm moving forward,
And I'm ready to leap.
It's 2am baby,
I want to get going.

Bridge:
Why couldn't you just answer?
A simple yes or no would have done it.
The movies made the most of it.
Stories told them in lies.

Chorus

It's 2am baby,
I don't believe in everything, anymore.

Excerpt from "Micki"

**This is an excerpt from a story I wrote 2 years ago. I decided to get back into this, and finally finish a story about learning the values of patience, persistence, and finding true, real love.

From "Micki," by M.V. Written originally Feb. 2, 2007.

PS- Thank you Vanessa for staying up w/ me last night until the wee hours of the morning, listening to my silly story telling. :) I credit you in getting me back into finishing my long, lost works. <3

----------------

“My heart aches like it’s going to burst!” squeals Jada Caiden. She just heard the news from her mother over the phone.

It’s been four years away from home and life has been nothing short of dramatic. Majoring in Biochemistry at the same university both her mother and father went to, she seemed to follow in the footsteps of her late father Brad Caiden. A respected scientist and intramural sports coach, he was a devoted father and husband until he was struck ill with multiple sclerosis. This year in February will be the second year anniversary of his passing.

Despite the upcoming vigil of her father, Jada couldn’t believe the luck her mother Micki had finally found someone new to spend her life with. It has taken her awhile to get back to her center and let in another soul. Her heart still belonged entirely to her Brad. Jada remembered how hard her mother fought to keep Dad in spirits, and never let him feel as if he were ever a burden to the family. When his health got to the point where she could not keep up, it was a hard time for them all to let him go to a permanent facility for his last remaining days. Ever since she was a little girl she could remember how much her mother and father loved each other. Regardless of all their faults, they made it through and through. To Jada, they were the epitome of a couple that could have lasted forever.

Just to works of fate, the surprising engagement of her mother to her Uncle Evan goes to show that some people are meant to have more than one love of their life.

Back in Eldridge, Micki was in the kitchen baking up a new potpie recipe when her son Willis came in. Humming her favorite tune with the radio, she didn’t notice that Willis was in odd spirits of sorts. He went rummaging around in the fridge for something to eat, making enough of a ruckus to finally get Micki to turn around and see what was up. One look at her son and she knew an old fear of hers surfaced. Putting down her oven mitts, she goes over to Willis and hugs him. He closes the fridge and buries his face in her shoulder.

He was thinking about the upcoming vigil. Micki can understand his pain. She missed Brad ever more everyday. From the sound of his shoes on the linoleum when he just walked in from work, to the their late night food binges. The smell of him has diminished almost entirely, and his overall presence silently settling away, only to resurface in old pictures or photo albums.

Micki just let him cry. She was glad that finally after so long, Willis was letting himself feel what he had been holding back from since his father’s death. Smoothing back his chestnut hair, she coos to him softly that everything now is okay.

Still a little despondent, he settles on the island stool and looks away in the distance. Micki doesn’t try to speak as much as he is trying to stay silent. He is at that age where emotions are hard to decipher and everything seems to be against you. Sighing to herself, Micki resumes with her previous escape. Turning the oven off first, she pulls out the potpie and sets it aside on a coaster to cool. One whiff of the flakey crust and cream of chicken and vegetables immediately changed Willis’ non-eating attitude to that of a hungry bum. Laughing to herself, she happily cut a slice for herself and her son, and the two ate in content.

“Hey mom,” Willis starts. Micki looks up from her pie.

“Yes Will?” She can tell he wants to ask her something but can’t seem to formulate the right sentence. She gives him time to think.

At first he seemed to forget the thought entirely, until the last piece of pie was finished. With a burp of satisfaction, he continues from earlier.

“I just heard through Jada, that Uncle Evan proposed to you.”

Micki’s eyebrows arch in surprise that the word had gotten out so soon. She told Jada to keep it on the down low! Sighing to herself, she puts a hand to her forehead and closes her eyes. For a brief moment, she is back twenty years when she was just eighteen. A day she would remember to cause the confliction of what true love really is.

It was summer in Eldridge, and the county fair had just come around. As usual, (she was with her girlfriends and Brad and Evan were vying for her attention.) She hated it. Brad took her into the tunnel of love where he tried to kiss her… but that wasn’t her style. Evan took her to go watch the fireworks ontop of the ferris wheel. He kissed her that night and from then on, she knew it was possible to be in love with two different people.

Back to the present, she smiles at Willis and nods. He seemed a bit unnerved over it all. Confused as to why he would be so disapproving, she asks him what is wrong. He clunks his fork down and looks her in the eye,

“Ever since that day Uncle had kissed you, I knew. I was only seven then, but I just knew you and Uncle were meant to end up together. Although at that time you and Uncle couldn't be because you were trying to figure out things after Dad's mess up, his infidelity. But I know you loved Dad more than Uncle then, and stayed together for Jada's and my sake. There's no mistake you loved Dad with all your heart to forgive him for everything. I understand that now and respect all that you've gone through.

I just think it’s crazy how after all this time Uncle and you still are so close. Mom, you’ve made me realize that no matter the length of time, the one who truly loves you will come back around. I give you my blessing at being so lucky finding two loves in one life, and also apologize to you for being so hard about past events in time. I didn’t realize the entirety of the situation… and that in turn is what has kept me distant all this time. Mom, I just want to say, I approve of Uncle Evan being the person to take care of you and love you as much as Dad did. I am happy you have found someone who loves you entirely again.”

With that he came over and gave her a long hug. Micki couldn’t help the flow of tears. Hearing that come from Willis, the spitting image of her Brad, saying those comforting words reassured her that this is what Brad would have wanted. Evan would take care of her with his entire being. That is good and true. She is fortunate to have found two loves in her life. Two true loves are hard to come by in a lifetime.

Wish List. Count Down to Xmas!

Counting the December Days until Christmas:

(Check!)=means done for the day. :)

♥ Green: I miss these buggers. Used to see them alot during summer back in GA.









1. Wine out w/ good company. Have lots of laughs. (Check!)
2. Dine out and chat up w/ a special someone. Share lots of love. (Check!)
3. Shop to your heart's content. (Check!)
4. Organize for your soul's appreciation.
5. Watch a silly movie that borders on delusional. (Check!)
6. Take a city trip and explore your findings. (LA/Santa Monica-Check!)
7. Dance your heart out to the beat of the drum. (Check!)
8. Crochet 5 scarves--5 extra things of choice.
9. Organize/Get involved with a volunteer program. (Check!)
10. Celebrate a year of interesting acquaintances and faces.
11. Give a gift of joy to a charity of choice. (toys for tots, red cross)
12. Practice your favorite song and learn to play on piano by heart.
13. Count your shooting stars. (Dec. 13th! Check!)
14. Free Day for anything sensible. (TP in SD 12/14 Check!)
15. Play great songs. Dance like you were meant to dance forever.

♥ Red & Gold: Pretty pic I found on flickr.com by the Naked Artisan.









16. Enjoy the New Moon. (Movie? and the actual real thing.)
17. Movie Nite with old friends. (Check! Zombieland!)
18. Pay Day! (Save that check...no touching til next year. Hahaha.)
19. Celebrate with a group of friends. Eat. Laugh. Love. Play.
20. Early Xmas dinner w/ friends leaving for the holidays.(Mo & fam)
21. First day of winter. Celebrate by wearing all white.
22. Be a kid today.
23. Start new picture compilations for next year's picture wall (for my room).
24. Say Hello to someone new. Or say Goodbye to someone old. Then don't look back and move forward! **Number 24 never got back to me--so I'm gonna let them go.
25. Merry Christmas! All I want for Christmas is Us <3. +Happiness and love for my family & friends,+ and brand new start to a New Year. Happy end of 2009