Tales of Emm Elise-(free verse) Aug. 13th, 2009
"Let go, let go.
Jump in, oh well what you waiting for?
Cuz, there's beauty in the breakdown."-Frou Frou-Let Go
It's almost midnight. My current favorite song plays on continuous loop as I sat at a red light just a few minutes away from home. After a night of hanging out with my best guy friends, life seemed just for that moment, alright. That was till I decided to give the boyfriend a respective call.
"Hey, I was checking to see if you were still awake. Thought I'd drop by for a little bit since I won't be seeing you for a week or so."
Translation in my mind:
I'm sorry it's late, but I'm the spontaneous girlfriend who would like to see you since I miss you. Let me drop by because you don't want to drive out to see me out of inconvenience and laziness. This is us:
He sounds tired on the phone. I give up my ruse and decide to just let him go to sleep. Instead he keeps the conversation going as I'm driving.
"So who is going with you guys this weekend for the trip? You guys all staying in the same room together?"
Aw, he is making the effort to ask who else will be with me, pretending to not remember even though I've told him so many times. I'm a little irritated at his absentmindedness. Maybe it's my energy level, or I'm just in a bad mood since by now, I know he doesn't want to see me tonight.
"So, are you about to go sleep? If you are I'll let you go. If not, I'm still close enough to stop by for a little bit and hangout."
He sighs and says what he always says, "I'm going to sleep. I'm tired and I have work in the morning."
At this point, I realize I shouldn't have called him in the first place. We always play this endless hurtful game.
I want to hang out with him especially if I haven't seen him for a long period of time. Does he realize this? I love being spontaneous and show that I care by doing such things. I'm busy too. I work almost full time yet I try to make time to see him. Him? I'm so glad he's working now too. I'm proud of him at being able to have some income to save up for all his own expenses. Maybe I'm being too hypercritical and selfish again. But how can I be when almost 90% of the times I find the time to hang, he is "tired." (Heavy sigh).
I can't take it anymore.
All that goes through my mind as I explain to him our rooming situation, driving, when and where we are going. It all seems so unnecessary. I trail off as I near my track.
He senses (of all times) that something is up.
"Uh, why do you sound sad? What's wrong?"
I sigh and laugh a little. Replying,
"I'm not sad. I'm tired. Soo tired..."
He says I'm lying, but really I'm not.
I was just very tired. I just expunged all my energy into a conversation that I knew would end like such.
I got home. Parked my car. I was still on the phone with him trying to fill in the void by saying things I wanted to do, but no matter. The connection between our minds was already gone. He says it's late, and I say goodnight. I don't wait for his goodbye and just hang up. I wouldn't dare say love you tonight because that's the last I felt towards anything at that moment.
I got out of my car and locked it up. Walking over to my front door, I tried not to think how melancholy I was. It always seemed he hardly said the right things at the right time. Maybe it is the selfish side of me that wishes he could just read my mind and just scream out and say,
"Dammit, I miss you babe. I miss hanging out with you. Come and see me tonight. Forget that I'm tired as hell. Just seeing you for five minutes will be enough."
Enough is enough. I'm about done with this failure of deliverance of emotional support nor close communication. As I wipe away the trails with back of my hands... I don't think you realize... You're losing me. We are dying. You're just too blind to see.
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