I Dream of Orcas

7:30am

That is the exact time I woke up today. I keep getting up earlier, and earlier it seems.

Last night, I had a wandering sort of dream. I can only remember two parts, considering I had to force myself to go to sleep all night. I think I finally dozed off around 4 or 5am... so late.

Dreammming:

I'm out in the ocean, floating in the cool, sea water waiting for my turn in the enclosure. I seem to be in a rehabilitative program that looks into the connection of mind, body, and spirit--by putting you in the open ocean, waiting for a whale or dolphin to befriend you. You have to be patient. Many from this group go days, to weeks, to months, to years trying to connect with these watery creatures. If one does find you, then the task is to allow yourself upon it's back. You must be patient, for they have to find you out of it's own accord. Also, they must trust you enough that they'll stay calm, and let you up on it's back. This experience is the basis of spiritual rehabilitation. For being being trusted by an Orca, is like being in touch with your deep, unconscious, spiritual feelings--to be one with your soul.

As I floated there, contained inside a circular partition that helped us maintain our current location, I feel the water beneath my feet stir ever so abruptly. At first, my heart races at thinking it was a shark. Then, I feel the creature graze it's smooth body against my leg, and realize, this was my whale. Before it broke the surface, the person before me, a young boy with spirally black/brown hair has just been introduced to his own whale. I was mesmerized by his Orca, watched it as it did a small flip and twirl over it's belly, and finally stayed still enough for him to try and climb aboard.

He is so scared. One look into his eyes, and you knew, he didn't know how to swim. He was lucky enough that he had a life jacket on, a bright yellow one, because the moment he tried to climb on top, he slips right off and lands back into the deep, dark ocean. I feel like I need to help him on. I wade on over, feeling through the water for something to grasp onto, and am surprised my own whale whom I have yet to see above the surface, has let me grab hold of it's dorsal fin and guided me over.

I'm a bit happy at this. It's been awhile since I last had such a strong connection to another animal being. I was lucky my own being was a whale.

I'm beside him now. I look into his face and know those eyes. He reminded me of someone I knew very well. I had just this person free from all the emotional destruction that consisted of our relationship. It was like looking at the boy version of him---

My heart tightened, but I really wanted to help him up. Part of this rehabilitative process was proving that even though you yourself can barely contain enough sanity to get along with life, being there for someone else who has it worse than you is the greatest progress.

He is crying. Crying from constantly slipping off his Orca, and crying because he is so afraid of being in the water. I held his hands, made him look me in the eyes and whispered words of courage to him. "Don't be afraid of this Orca. It is your friend, and with time, will be the one to guide you through your deepest, darkest moments. Do you see how it's colors are? How it's a solid black with white? Don't take things to be just that. Either, or. Good or Bad. Wrong or Right. There is always something more reasonable within the grayscale of decisions. Right now, you need to trust yourself and believe that you can do this. You deserve to know what it's like to have a true, real animal friend."

The tears stopped. There was stark determination in his eyes. He nods at the instructors that he is ready to try again. Again positioning himself beside the animal, the Orca pulls up a fin to give him leverage, and in one swift moment, the boy is finally sitting gracefully on top. Jubilant and surprised at how relieving it was to finally be out of the water, he gives me the hugest grin and blows a kiss to me. I smile back and watch him circle the yellow floaters that enclosed us.

The instructors behind me looked at me with admiration. What I'd just done was something they never thought I could achieve. I was out in open, ocean. Getting over my fear of swimming. I had no life jacket. I decided to use my own stamina and will power. Not only that, I just helped a fellow soul out--and that help was surely going to center him back spiritually. I smiled to myself as I felt the movements beneath my feet begin to quicken. Now it was my time to finally ride my Orca. I didn't have as much trouble as the boy thankfully. For it seemed the animal already knew how to approach me. As I dunked myself thoroughly back into the ocean, I looked deep into the waters, seeing the splendor of my Orca swimming up to let me grab onto it's dorsal fin. Just as we got in contact, we shot up and out above the water, landing in a great big splash. I just lay there on top, stroking it's smooth surface. Here I was, at peace out in open ocean, riding on top of the most graceful creature I'd ever come into contact with, an Orca.

--end.

This was an interesting insight to my emotional and spiritual place in life.

2am

12:50am

**A song I'm working on.

Verse I:
It's almost 2am baby,
And I believed in everything.
Movies made the most of it,
Stories told it all in lies and whims.

Chorus:
It's 2am baby,
I'm giving in to sleep.
I gave this heart to you,
But took it back in a leap.

Verse II:
I thought I'd let you have it.
It was something yours to keep.
But it's 2am baby,
And I need to sleep.

Chorus

Verse III:
I gave you time,
But you took too long.
Looks like I'm moving forward,
And I'm ready to leap.
It's 2am baby,
I want to get going.

Bridge:
Why couldn't you just answer?
A simple yes or no would have done it.
The movies made the most of it.
Stories told them in lies.

Chorus

It's 2am baby,
I don't believe in everything, anymore.

Excerpt from "Micki"

**This is an excerpt from a story I wrote 2 years ago. I decided to get back into this, and finally finish a story about learning the values of patience, persistence, and finding true, real love.

From "Micki," by M.V. Written originally Feb. 2, 2007.

PS- Thank you Vanessa for staying up w/ me last night until the wee hours of the morning, listening to my silly story telling. :) I credit you in getting me back into finishing my long, lost works. <3

----------------

“My heart aches like it’s going to burst!” squeals Jada Caiden. She just heard the news from her mother over the phone.

It’s been four years away from home and life has been nothing short of dramatic. Majoring in Biochemistry at the same university both her mother and father went to, she seemed to follow in the footsteps of her late father Brad Caiden. A respected scientist and intramural sports coach, he was a devoted father and husband until he was struck ill with multiple sclerosis. This year in February will be the second year anniversary of his passing.

Despite the upcoming vigil of her father, Jada couldn’t believe the luck her mother Micki had finally found someone new to spend her life with. It has taken her awhile to get back to her center and let in another soul. Her heart still belonged entirely to her Brad. Jada remembered how hard her mother fought to keep Dad in spirits, and never let him feel as if he were ever a burden to the family. When his health got to the point where she could not keep up, it was a hard time for them all to let him go to a permanent facility for his last remaining days. Ever since she was a little girl she could remember how much her mother and father loved each other. Regardless of all their faults, they made it through and through. To Jada, they were the epitome of a couple that could have lasted forever.

Just to works of fate, the surprising engagement of her mother to her Uncle Evan goes to show that some people are meant to have more than one love of their life.

Back in Eldridge, Micki was in the kitchen baking up a new potpie recipe when her son Willis came in. Humming her favorite tune with the radio, she didn’t notice that Willis was in odd spirits of sorts. He went rummaging around in the fridge for something to eat, making enough of a ruckus to finally get Micki to turn around and see what was up. One look at her son and she knew an old fear of hers surfaced. Putting down her oven mitts, she goes over to Willis and hugs him. He closes the fridge and buries his face in her shoulder.

He was thinking about the upcoming vigil. Micki can understand his pain. She missed Brad ever more everyday. From the sound of his shoes on the linoleum when he just walked in from work, to the their late night food binges. The smell of him has diminished almost entirely, and his overall presence silently settling away, only to resurface in old pictures or photo albums.

Micki just let him cry. She was glad that finally after so long, Willis was letting himself feel what he had been holding back from since his father’s death. Smoothing back his chestnut hair, she coos to him softly that everything now is okay.

Still a little despondent, he settles on the island stool and looks away in the distance. Micki doesn’t try to speak as much as he is trying to stay silent. He is at that age where emotions are hard to decipher and everything seems to be against you. Sighing to herself, Micki resumes with her previous escape. Turning the oven off first, she pulls out the potpie and sets it aside on a coaster to cool. One whiff of the flakey crust and cream of chicken and vegetables immediately changed Willis’ non-eating attitude to that of a hungry bum. Laughing to herself, she happily cut a slice for herself and her son, and the two ate in content.

“Hey mom,” Willis starts. Micki looks up from her pie.

“Yes Will?” She can tell he wants to ask her something but can’t seem to formulate the right sentence. She gives him time to think.

At first he seemed to forget the thought entirely, until the last piece of pie was finished. With a burp of satisfaction, he continues from earlier.

“I just heard through Jada, that Uncle Evan proposed to you.”

Micki’s eyebrows arch in surprise that the word had gotten out so soon. She told Jada to keep it on the down low! Sighing to herself, she puts a hand to her forehead and closes her eyes. For a brief moment, she is back twenty years when she was just eighteen. A day she would remember to cause the confliction of what true love really is.

It was summer in Eldridge, and the county fair had just come around. As usual, (she was with her girlfriends and Brad and Evan were vying for her attention.) She hated it. Brad took her into the tunnel of love where he tried to kiss her… but that wasn’t her style. Evan took her to go watch the fireworks ontop of the ferris wheel. He kissed her that night and from then on, she knew it was possible to be in love with two different people.

Back to the present, she smiles at Willis and nods. He seemed a bit unnerved over it all. Confused as to why he would be so disapproving, she asks him what is wrong. He clunks his fork down and looks her in the eye,

“Ever since that day Uncle had kissed you, I knew. I was only seven then, but I just knew you and Uncle were meant to end up together. Although at that time you and Uncle couldn't be because you were trying to figure out things after Dad's mess up, his infidelity. But I know you loved Dad more than Uncle then, and stayed together for Jada's and my sake. There's no mistake you loved Dad with all your heart to forgive him for everything. I understand that now and respect all that you've gone through.

I just think it’s crazy how after all this time Uncle and you still are so close. Mom, you’ve made me realize that no matter the length of time, the one who truly loves you will come back around. I give you my blessing at being so lucky finding two loves in one life, and also apologize to you for being so hard about past events in time. I didn’t realize the entirety of the situation… and that in turn is what has kept me distant all this time. Mom, I just want to say, I approve of Uncle Evan being the person to take care of you and love you as much as Dad did. I am happy you have found someone who loves you entirely again.”

With that he came over and gave her a long hug. Micki couldn’t help the flow of tears. Hearing that come from Willis, the spitting image of her Brad, saying those comforting words reassured her that this is what Brad would have wanted. Evan would take care of her with his entire being. That is good and true. She is fortunate to have found two loves in her life. Two true loves are hard to come by in a lifetime.

Wish List. Count Down to Xmas!

Counting the December Days until Christmas:

(Check!)=means done for the day. :)

♥ Green: I miss these buggers. Used to see them alot during summer back in GA.









1. Wine out w/ good company. Have lots of laughs. (Check!)
2. Dine out and chat up w/ a special someone. Share lots of love. (Check!)
3. Shop to your heart's content. (Check!)
4. Organize for your soul's appreciation.
5. Watch a silly movie that borders on delusional. (Check!)
6. Take a city trip and explore your findings. (LA/Santa Monica-Check!)
7. Dance your heart out to the beat of the drum. (Check!)
8. Crochet 5 scarves--5 extra things of choice.
9. Organize/Get involved with a volunteer program. (Check!)
10. Celebrate a year of interesting acquaintances and faces.
11. Give a gift of joy to a charity of choice. (toys for tots, red cross)
12. Practice your favorite song and learn to play on piano by heart.
13. Count your shooting stars. (Dec. 13th! Check!)
14. Free Day for anything sensible. (TP in SD 12/14 Check!)
15. Play great songs. Dance like you were meant to dance forever.

♥ Red & Gold: Pretty pic I found on flickr.com by the Naked Artisan.









16. Enjoy the New Moon. (Movie? and the actual real thing.)
17. Movie Nite with old friends. (Check! Zombieland!)
18. Pay Day! (Save that check...no touching til next year. Hahaha.)
19. Celebrate with a group of friends. Eat. Laugh. Love. Play.
20. Early Xmas dinner w/ friends leaving for the holidays.(Mo & fam)
21. First day of winter. Celebrate by wearing all white.
22. Be a kid today.
23. Start new picture compilations for next year's picture wall (for my room).
24. Say Hello to someone new. Or say Goodbye to someone old. Then don't look back and move forward! **Number 24 never got back to me--so I'm gonna let them go.
25. Merry Christmas! All I want for Christmas is Us <3. +Happiness and love for my family & friends,+ and brand new start to a New Year. Happy end of 2009

Don't Let Me Go

Written Originally: 11/25/08 11:45pm.

This rhythmic beating,

The ebb and flow of a rush.

You hold me by my fingertips.

All I feel is warm touch.

Flushed cheeks, natural rouge glow.

I glance up into your eyes,

A question lingers amidst the snow...

An answer? A simple yes or no.

A light in your eyes.

With intentions, not so clear.

The past three weeks were chaos.

Now, what all we need is here.

This question hangs in the balance.

An answer: A simple yes or no.

Are you going to ask me?

Or shall I assume for now?

But know "forever" doesn't last,

I can't live off broken promises,

Even if they're all that's left.

Phantoms

Originally Written November 24, 2008

**Written about the ups and downs of depression.

Conversations dwindled to none.

I secretly hope you've forgotten me.

Knowing it can never be that easy,

When everyday, you always come to me.

Like a phantom I can't seem to erase.

A haunting, never ceasing to abate.

You're like a double shadow,

I thought I had let pass.

Yet here you are from my darker days:

You've come to last.

Foolish to say if ever these

demons shall vanquish.

As I wish of that normal life,

glimpsed only in dreams.

Though like a phantom I can't seem to erase.

You've been haunting: ceasing to abate.

This seamless double shadow,

Who lurks in every crevice.

In these darker days, I swear I shall try.

To keep these phantoms at bay,

On this forever roller coaster ride.

Lover/Fighter

Written Originally July 2009.

-------Free Verse of thoughts never-ending---------

Thank you. Thank you.

I sat there listening.

Help me. Help me.

I look at you breathing.

What do you want from me?

What is it you see in me?

I'm helpless from your point of view,

Yet here you are needing me.

I run and run.

Never have I stopped since then.

Think it through. Think of you.

Everything streams by and blends.

My eyes rain a sky of blue.

What do you want from me?

What is it you see in me?

I'm helpless in this situation,

Yet here you are loving me.

Just hold me, love. And never let go.

You'll never understand how much,

All your support has lifted me up.

You'll never understand how much,

How much of you I don't deserve.

Spinning and spinning.

Your hand in mine.

I listen to you hum.

And look at you with fresh eyes.

Thank you. Thank you.

For holding onto me,

and being my friend.

--A poem about being there when a friend is in need.

Tales of Love and Loss

**First of all, I want to say I am a huge Disney Princess fan. For those of you who know the traditional versions of each fairy tale, these upcoming stanzas may seem all too familiar. Beside that, this is just a random tangent off of "Michelle love storyland" so please don't be offended by how they come off. Feel free to squabble with me if they aren't to your liking. Note I wrote this year ago :P .

-Enjoy!

Originally Written November 11th, 2008.

Tales of Love and Loss

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Forever I've been asleep in a warm fog

My heart is throbbing, full of love.

Dreaming that I saw you right there in front me,

Yet you're still so distant, I need you baby.

Seeing what I wanted to see

Believing what I wanted to believe,

That you're the knight in my dreams.

I'm living out moments of you and I

You're on a white horse to rescue,

Climbing up a wall of vines...

Breathe into me.

I need you more than you need me.

I'm living in a daydream constantly.

Get me out of this dream.

And breathe into me.

Redeeming myself of all past deeds

I run away into the petrified forest.

I tumble, I fall, my new gown all torn.

Found a little house on hill with seven friendly dwarves.

All is fair, til the day I dare trust

The old woman with red apple,

One bite of it, and all is dust.

Seeing what I wanted to see

Believing what I wanted to believe,

That you're the knight in my dreams.

I'm living out moments of you and I

You're on a white horse to rescue,

Opening a case of glass and ice...

Breathe into me.

I need you more than you need me.

I'm living in a daydream constantly.

Get me out of this dream.

And breathe into me.

I'm all alone, in a mansion not my own.

Once a fair maiden, I'm reduced to tatters.

My own stepmother's love doesn't matter.

A fairy Godmother changes my fate.

I dance til midnight when the magic fades.

A lost glass slipper fits only one girl.

He went all around the world to find her.

I never thought he'd find me here.

In tatters, a broom in hand, in tears.

Seeing what I wanted to see

Believing what I wanted to believe,

That you're the knight in my dreams.

I'm living out moments of you and I

You're on a white horse to rescue,

Holding the slipper to a better life...

Breathe into me.

I need you more than you need me.

I'm living in a daydream constantly.

Get me out of this dream.

And breathe into me.

There you are dancing away,

Adrift in the open sea that is my home.

If only I could welcome you to my world

But these watery depths keep us parted,

Until I took a bet with the sea witch,

Grew legs and found you on my own.

I needed your true heart,

in order to be with you forever.

No words could express the love I had.

Trickery by the sea witch,

She somehow found you another.

It is with that fateful change, I lost you

And my broken heart bled.

Seeing what I wanted to see

Believing what I wanted to believe,

That you're the Prince in my dreams.

I'm living out moments of you and I

You're on a white horse to rescue,

Waiting on land, as I drown at sea...

Breathe into me.

I need you more than you need me.

I'm living in a daydream constantly.

Get me out of this dream.

And breathe into me.

The Apology

Found this old poem in one of my notebooks.

**FYI: Asters: In ancient times, it was believed that if aster leaves were burned, the perfume would drive away evil serpents. In present century, asters are known as a talisman of love and a symbol of patience.

**The Apology by Ralph Waldo Emerson

Think me not unkind and rude
That I walk alone in grove and glen;
I go to the god of the wood
To fetch his word to men.

Tax not my sloth that I
Fold my arms beside that brook;
Each cloud that floated in the sky
Writes a letter in my book.

Chide me not, laborious band,
For the idle flowers I brought;
Every aster in my hand
Goes home loaded with a thought.

There was never mystery,
But 'tis figured in the flowers;
Was never secret history
But birds sing it in the bowers.

One harvest from thy field,
Homeward brought the oxen strong;
A second crop thine acres yield,
Which I gather in a song.



Original Source: Poems by Ralph Waldo Emerson (Boston: Houghton, Mifflin and Company, 1904)

Arguing with Myself.

I want to lie to myself.

Condemn my soul forever, if I give into his hold.

I want to cry out to you...

But it won't do. I shouldn't be that bold.

Say, if I wash my hands with the rain,

Will I be cleansed of all this pain?

How bout if I soak up all the sun,

Will it warm me up again?

No. I don't think any of that will do.

Rain will only leave me wet and cold.

I'll be worse than before, maybe even sicker.

And the sun, oh that won't do much either.

She'll just burn me up like toast.

I should just stick to hiding beneath my sweater,

Trying to keep warm in this cold, empty room.

Tossing away a mountain of tissues,

I'm glad these cotton puffs soak up most of the tears.

Let go, do let go of all the heartache.

Don't give into anymore nonsense.

Or let yourself break from any fear.

I hope time will do its trick FAST:

Please help me move on from all of this.

Remember what I want:

I deserve only the best.

Now, hurry me on over,

To start a fresh, New Year!

There's no room for heartache,

Or need shed anymore tears.

Keep On, Keeping On

*Woke up 10:05 am to the ringing of my phone. My car is almost done with repairs. It's been in the shop overnight, and I miss it so. :( Here is my dream from not having it for just one night. (Didn't know it would give me nightmares...)

The world has ended. Literally. It's like the movie Zombieland but without the zombies. I don't know how I ended up finding myself in an abandoned AMC theater, but I figured, "Hey, the world has ended...I can watch all the movies I want for free!"

Besides that, I had to go see if I was the only one alive. I leave the theater looking for the slightest hint of life.

Walking over the sidewalks full of half-eaten store flyers, I spot a girl my age shopping in Wal-mart. She looked so familiar!

I run over, and notice her dark brown, wavy hair. The moment she looks up at me, she recognizes me as well.

"Michelle!"

I scream, "Miller!"

She just laughs because even after all this time, I've still accustomed her to a name I can't get over. Miller wasn't her last name, but for some odd reason, I thought it fit so much better than Chapman.

We hug and are so excited to find each other, we didn't realize other people were converging onto our spot.

Next thing we realize, is that we're getting pop corn and skittles thrown at us from all sides. We take cover inside the clothes racks, shielded by the various shirts and dresses, and stay there until the bombarding stopped. I emerge from our safe spot first, and am about to throw back some artillery, when Carlson pops out of nowhere.

I'm like, "Andrew?!?"

He let's out one of his familiar laughs, before running over to Miller. I'm happy to see him. It's funny who we end up being around when it's the end of the world.

We all start talking about life has been, having to move around from one place to another, the shortage of food and clothing, having to worry about basic needs and safety. That's when I realize who was hanging out with. I look at Miller.

A flash of the past hits me.

I remember the last time hanging out with them. And then a forward to a time after 2009.

She was showing me a picture of the three of them. I saw Carlson, her, and him. You could tell in the photo, they were all happy. I smiled at this.

Looking towards the two, I was glad these two friends have been reunited.

I guess I was off in my own little world when they both approached me.

Miller pokes me in the arm, and Carlson just stands back. I look at him. She looks at me.

We all know what is going through my mind.

She hugs me close. "Oh Michelle, he is doing fine. He and I have been happy together for awhile. I'm glad to help him through so much and see him grow so much." I smile at this. Hug her back as warmly, and gladly thank her for being such a great friend and girlfriend to him.

It didn't hurt to hear about him then. It didn't hurt to hear about him now. I'm just glad to know he had moved on before me, and was thriving.

Our group was small. And I knew at any given minute, he was bound to show up and find us. We were waiting for him to meet up with us. Carlson and Miller said so.

So I guess we were.

**Dream ends with us finding a big, empty theater in AMC to sit back and watch a movie.

This goes over so many things that have been going on of late. I have no car at the moment. Well, I'm actually waiting for it to finish being repaired at the shop. Although, that feeling of not having your car... may have prompted me to have this "end of the world" dream. As for the rest of the material, that's what I honestly hope will happen. I'm still taking time to move on from everything. Of course I will still think about my past relationship often, but in the end, I hope either side will end their days on a happy note.

"Looking at you makes it harder.

But I know that you'll find another,

That doesn't always make you want to cry..." -already gone: kelly clarkson

Memory in Flame

Listening to: Hear Me Out-Frou Frou

**The progression throughout the song got me thinking... These are the images I see.

These fires around me.

Flames surrounding...

I need to be set free.

So I jump.

Falling out a window,

I land in a heap of leaves.

It's lucky I have no burns,

Or broken leg from the leap.

Renewed faith in life,

I realize I've lost the most important thing:

My heart was in that box.

Left unattended on a table.

Pin-cushioned, and marred

Illuminated by a dim candle.

My mistake to leave the room.

Window open, a breeze came in.

The candle lost it's holder,

Tumbled off into a pile of paper.

Paper hearts, aflame and in rage.

Broken parts, burning away.

Looking up at all the smoke.

I understand all that waits.

The love I lost, will heal up.

Time should cure all pain,

Especially the tears that always rain.

"I'm a slow motion accident...

Lost in coffee rings and finger prints.

I don't want to feel anything but I do.

And it all seems to always come back to you."

Cuz I've Been Up 3 Days...

Music and Lyrics by All-American Rejects: Eyelash Wishes

"And shadows blend on this time,

Save those kisses.

Your picture speaks on this time,

Eyelash wishes....

Cuz I've been up 3 days. Awake, awake.

Two more weeks and I'm turning to fade...

And all things close,

All I wish... never change these distances."

Well, well. Today is a particularly sunny day. In particular that I woke up at 9 am to the banging and clanging of construction workers on the roof. Turns out my Mom and Dad decided our roof needed fixing. Construction has been ongoing for the past 3 days or so. The noise is not irritating or bothersome at all. In fact I'm at ease for this new change in renovations, seeing that it's taken so many years for my family to even want to fix up our house!

Anywho, I don't remember my dream much, but I do know that these past three days have been a huge upset in my sleep cycle. It seems ever since tuesday, the body has decided to go into 'reset' mode. This basically means, no matter what time I've slept the night before, my body wakes up the next morning exactly at 9am, refreshed and ready to go. I usually dream something very bizarre, but overall, these past three days have been refreshing!

So, now that I'm getting enough sleep, I get to decide on a new hobby to take up my time. Since I do not work Friday/Saturdays anymore, and aside from doing homework and tests all day, I gotta get back into something. I was thinking I'd like to start on my Christmas gift crafts early then. As well as crochet and knit somemore...and read a good book every other week. :)

Yay, I'm on the road to starting out my new year as a happier, more energetic Michelle. I've missed that girl. Where was she the past few months?

I'm Already Gone

Music and Lyrics by Kelly Clarkson

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

Even with our fists held high
It never would've worked out right
We were never meant for do or die

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hold you, now I can't stop

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you want to cry

Started with a perfect kiss then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so, I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on so I'm already gone

.....Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on so I'm already gone

Stream of Conciousness

I wake up dressed as a Samoan princess. The tribal leaders are sitting around me in a rickety caravan as well. Our backs are up against the bamboo walls, legs are crossed, and attitudes are that we just need to get where we needed to go. I'm still rather confused why I'm in a caravan full of Samoan royalty anyway.

As I slowly move towards the center of my caravan, a random girl beside me gives me this off-putting vibe. It's like she despises me for some particular reason. I look back at her and ask,

"Hoy. You there. You have a problem with me or what?"

She looks back at me unblinkingly, and rolls her eyes away.

I was getting a little irritated now. I ask again,

"Hey, chick. If you have a problem with me, I'm more than welcome and ready to get whatever it is you have against me out in the air."

Now she crosses her arms, and looks away. Instead of replying in defense, she leans over to her boyfriend's ear and whispers something. Something set off in me. When I looked over to the boyfriend, he looked so familiar. I couldn't recognize his face, but his voice was familiar. I felt a sad vibe from him as he looked away from his catty girlfriend. She was looking away still when he just gave me a weak smile of "sorry." I was just whatever about it by then.

I guess the reason I was still moving about in the caravan, I was trying to find some water. My lips were very dry and it seemed they had to put the cooler the farthest distance for all of us. A big red cooler with a white top, I go up to it and grab a nice cold bottle of water and take a swig. I feel less cranky already.

Moving back over to my spot, I can see the village elder, a large man about twenty-five, trying to negotiate a marriage treaty with one of the prettiest girls from their village. She was not giving in. He kept saying how he can match her up with the wealthiest suitor, and that she would be well provided for, but she kept declining. Her ploy was that in her life, she did not want to make the mistake of marrying for money. She wanted someone who truly loved her, didn't take her for granted, and worked together with her to strive at having a happy home and family life. The elder was like, "Well, those are all great attributes in a future husband, but how can you two be happy if you both are struggling financially? If he cannot provide a roof over your head, or food for your table, that burden will eventually turn into disapproval. That disapproval into hate. It is better to find someone who has the main goods of providing for you, and then building that kind of relationship on top of that."

The girl thought about it for a second. But then looked at the elder and declared, "You have valid points, your grandness. Although, I still would like to find my own husband who I'll deem will be the best for me, regardless if he is well endowed or not. Please respect my decision." The elder looked flustered.

I watched from the distance and didn't expect this next event happening.

The elder huffed in apparent frustration and grabbed the girl's hand in his. She looked up at him in annoyance, as he in bended knee asked her for her hand in marriage. The girl was confused as I was and politely declined. I couldn't help but laugh behind my hand, watching the elder fluster and fumble over her.

Meanwhile, I could hear my family, Ryan, Mom, Dexter and Frankie in the caravan behind us. They seem to be having the time of their lives. As I looked behind me through the tiny window, I heard the drivers declare we were finally at our destination.

I get out of the caravan first. We are at some megamall. The concrete structure with its angular design sort of threw me off. We came all this way to a megamall? For what?

It turns out; we were invited to the grand opening of this new fashion line. The store resembled something like a mix of H & M with American Apparel. I was excited to finally change out of my grass shirt and cotton wrap top.

Walking around the place, everyone seemed to be dressed so sharply. My parents were having fun taking pictures with the mannequins, of whom I was, their photographer. I was a little upset they weren't letting me wander around and have fun as well. I hand someone my Sony cyber shot camera to a person my brothers were hanging out with and just get away from the group. As I walked away, I looked up at stylish bomber jackets, and lots of neon colored leggings on perfectly sculpted mannequins. I decided to just get out of that mass of people and sit on top of a counter overlooking everything.

That's when I saw someone very familiar. He called me by my nickname, "Shelley!" It was awkward hearing him call me that for the first time. I'm used to my friends calling me formerly by Michelle. As he walked over to me, I noticed he had on a bright pink t-shirt, and a nice black sports jacket. His hair wasn't made up like usual, but he looked happy to be here. I wave at him and ask him what's up.

"Hey, how the heck did you get here? How'd you get an invitation anyway?" He just laughs and always says, "Cuz I'm special like that, duh." I laugh with him and as I'm looking away over him and the crowd towards the people tagging their names on the walls, he grabs me by my waist and decides to hug me very close and twirl me at the same time.

I'm alarmed at his candor. A bit afraid of what might ensue after this, I made sure my face wasn't facing his, just in case he might try a romantic move. The moment my feet touched the ground, I pushed him away, my face full of confusion and hurt, and moved away hastily. I went up to the back wall everyone was tagging on, and decided to write my name as well.

As I was up there with my black marker pen, signing my signature, he comes up next to and signs his name as well. He decides to put a heart over his name and draw an arrow towards my name. I look at him in annoyance and move to another part of the wall. This time it's the only spot left available for tagging. A blank corner. I decided to write my favorite lyrics down. Just as I was going to start, he comes over again, and instead, writes down his favorite lyrics. All I can remember was that it involved something about me being his "depression-era". I got mad and finally stood up to him. I was about to yell at him about why he kept pestering me, but a hostess beside me whispers in my ear. It was as if she knew what was going on without needing to know the past...

"Honey, you are the only one who can decide how things will go. If you want this to work out, leave those lyrics up there. If you don't then do what you believe is best only for you."

I thought about it. Although I know that doing what I was going to do would break his heart forever, I took an orange marker and scribbled out his lyrics in front of him. I scribbled out my name and the hearts he put. Done with my erasing. I turn around to find everyone was leaving. I went to grab my angry little girl's heart bag, retrieve my borrowed camera, and headed back home with my caravan of Samoans. (1:20pm Nov. 1, 2009)