Indecision. In Decision. At Least Make a Decision.

It's almost 4am.  

What am I doing still up? (Studying for finals, that's what.) 

A large mug of coffee, mixed w/ hot cocoa and frothed milk has sustained me for the past hour. So many things have been weighing down my creative flow, I wonder if I'll ever get back into writing lengthy pieces. 

Studying for finals, constantly thinking about what else I need to do to improve my training in supervisorship, my somewhat extensive Christmas List I still need to jump into, and the impending family holiday road trip.  All constantly whirring through my mind at full speed.

The stress has kept me from getting much needed REM deep sleep.  And what little sleep I do get involves tossing and turning, anxious glances at the alarm clock, and waking up from bad dreams.   

Please! Mr. Sandman, Sedate me now! 

Although amidst all this mess, I've suddenly gotten the urge to start writing a new work.  Not a good thing, 'cuz it's gonna take a me a few weeks to develop my characters.  In that, I'll doodle on paper of what I'd imagine them to look like, as well as research suitable names to go with their choice of personality.   (Great, I'm getting sidetracked again...)

Honestly! I already have a closet full of stories in desperate need of being finished.  They've been collecting dust, it's a shame so many of them have been left in the cold.  So far, the only ones to have been completed are the short summations of dreams I have (like below.)   Maybe it's all the life material I've steadily collected this year, getting at me to have it's say by way of revelations. Lol.  

...In the form of a brand new story.   A daunting task now that I think of it.  O_o''  

Well, I'm not promising anything out soon.  Winter break is starting in a few days, and hopefully then I'll get to submerse myself in a world of brainstorming and revisions.  (End-4:05am)

For Good Reason.

12-14-08 (Begin-1:30PM)
Currently Listening To: Responsible by Sara Bareilles

***A dream I woke up from before I almost succumbed to certain distress. (O_o'') You may think this dream as nothing but trivial, but there are so many themes in here, I wish would stop reappearing.

It's a crisp Sunday morning and I'm looking out into a field. I'm on top of a hill, surrounded by spruce and maple trees. A summer breeze flows through the grass and brings me back momentarily from my daydream.
*** *** *** *** *** ***
I've just left my cottage amidst the chaotic family retreat, and decided to get some fresh air. As I walk leisurely down a gradient on this beaten path, I spot Nnyl's mansion in the distance. I glare at the structure, shielding the sunlight from my eyes, taking in it's ominous presence.
I remember being welcome there. The parties and family gatherings come creeping back from memory, trying to fully emerge, but I push them back into the dark. I don't want to remember him or that past anymore...

As if shaking my head helps to forget, I shut my eyes and do so vigorously. I'm battling with myself again, the inner turmoil is trying to win. I hold back the urge to turn back the way I came, but relax, and visualize why I'm coming back here.

Taking a deep breath, I open my eyes and whisper to myself, "Almost there, dear." I continue on. Where to and why? I'm on a mission to find the perfect spot for my makeshift fort. My own little seclusion into a world of make-believe. Any who, it's been awhile since I've indulged in my childish enthusiasm. As the character Katherine said in the movie, Under the Tuscan Sun,

"No matter what happens, always keep your childish innocence. It's the most important thing."

That is exactly what I need to do to shake off these melancholy feelings.

My cousin meets up with me once I'm there. She's brought the molding clay, cardboard, and paint. I brought my engineering skills and imagination to work with. I look at her with sudden realization that we've been transformed into our twelve year old selves! I laugh at her old bowl haircut and she pouts at me for being mean. This reality gets even more odd in that we get along like old times. I've missed that.

We spot the perfect spot to build under. It's a small bridge, the one farthest from the mansion and hidden from view by a grassy knoll. Both overcome with excitement, we get started on building our summertime fort. I erect four posts, two for each side. As I painted them black, I look over my shoulder and advise my cousin to start painting the cardboard cutouts of walls. She's laughing at me that this is such a trivial thing: us out in the wilderness like old times, building a fort for us to play in. Oh well. Who cares about the insanity. All that matters at this moment is we're having fun, just her and me.

Half-way finished, I realize we forgot the most important thing for our fort. The door. I left it back at the cottage, already cut-out and done. Throwing a fist into the sky, my cousin pokes me in the shoulder at my forgetfulness. I tell her, I'll run over really quick and grab it. It shouldn't take me very long, plus I'd bring back us some food to eat. She purses her lips and nods her head on the food part. So, I leave her there to guard our half finished fort, and head back up the large hill.

I didn't expect it to take me a hour to get back to the cottage. I'd gotten lost and had to retrace my steps a thousand times. By the time I'd gotten there, everyone on the premises had left for a swim at the lake. Irritated with myself for being such a nincompoop, I search for an extra key and luckily find it in the window box next to me.

Grabbing the make-shift door, I hurry out the cottage with a bag of chips and drinks. I'm sprinting back through the forest and practically roll down the hill. I was almost there when I spot something different in scenery.

Someone else was there.

I stopped where I was, straining my eyes to see who they were.

I could barely see over the knoll, and notice a maroon Ford Explorer. The first thought of whose car that was, was Nnyl. But I distinctly remember it being a silvery beige. Off a ways, a Filipino guy in a suit and purple tie is waiting impatiently for someone. I look towards his line of vision and keep seeing the flash of a silvery blade. My heart jolts as I suddenly think danger has approached my cousin and our fort. Protectiveness surging through me, I drop my supplies and race to the scene.

The Filipino guy sees me and shouts out towards the one w/ the blade. I have not set my eyes on him yet but I was getting there.

All at once, I see a familiar profile. The cut of his black suit and shaven head. It was Nnyl. I practically froze to a stop.

He stops his game play of dungeons and dragons in MY fort, and turns around to look at me. He is surprised to see me and starts doing this sporadic happy dance. I'm uncomfortable with his enthusiasm and still haven't said anything to him. I just couldn't understand what he was doing here at this moment. It was summertime. He was never on his estate in the summertime from what I remember.

Finally I get my tongue to work its magic.

"What are you doing here?" I ask in irritation.

He looks at me like he should be the one asking that question. Laughing to himself, he replies,

"Why Lady V----------, I live here. Pray tell me, the question I shall ask is the same towards you?"

That did it. It was just the way he formulated his replies to me. Always in such a formal matter. It reminded that even now after all this time, he would not drop the front and be real with me.

Gritting my teeth, I glare at him and reply, "Enjoying my summer away from home. Why else do you think I'm here?"

He gives me this amused look, and throws open his arms as if waiting for me to run into them for one of my old bear hugs.

I don't think so.
I anxiously look behind him for my cousin, and see her peering at us through the fort. I mouth to her to run, and she does. The Filipino guy chases after her and I scream at Nnyl to stay away from me.

I dash back the way I came and am trying to get away.
The air is cool. The breeze has picked up. I'm screaming inside, "I need to get away! I need him to go away, and give up!"

I'm running as fast as I could, but his strides were longer than mine. Each time I'd look back, it's as if he was just about to be at my side. Clenching my fists, my feet pounding into the ground, I come upon the last obstacle of the hill I'd come down.

Pausing for a second to catch my breath, I glance back and see him happily skipping over towards me. I'm back in panic mode and start sprinting up the hill stupidly.
I should of took my time and measured my strides. Running uphill cold turkey was a mistake, he caught up to me just as whatever was left of my energy died.
And there I was again, heaving with frustration that he was there with me. His arms cradling me close to him, my tears falling away openly.

Questions racing through my mind:
Why do you keep appearing when I don't want you to be?
Why do you keep calling now that I don't want you to be?
Why do I detest this civil relationship, when it's what I had wanted from the start?
Why is it that my heart breaks every time I see you, and every time you decide you want to talk?

I push myself out from your embrace. You get up with me and give me that look I can't erase. The sadness is still fresh, but I don't want to linger in regrets.

You say you're sorry again. But you always say that, over and over. It's true meaning was lost way back when.
I start off up the hill again. Holding in a waste of energy of wanting to cry. I know it's summertime, love, but this is not worth another try.



****
This dreams seems like a recount of something I could care less about. I think we're still friends, but the method of friendship seems so unreal and forced. Yeah we have our history, my feelings towards him back then weren't mutual. Although even through all that, my trust and open heart at keeping things friendly have fallen through.

You know, you've inspired so many of the things I've written. You are the one who started all of this, and for that I'm gladly thankful for the push. Through you, I've learned of the heartbreaking kind of love. The kind that twists you up so much but won't let you give up.

In the end, I'm trying to reassess and still be your friend. Although that's so hard to do now, when I can't help but get the feeling it's still all pretend. Why play around and act like you're not doing this out of regret? I don't feel the honesty is there, and I am sorry if my indifference is all you get. I wish you had caught me during the period when hope was still fresh. But the moment is gone, and friendship now, is like a distant dream I can't retrace. (-End 4:00pm)