12-14-08 (Begin-1:30PM) Currently Listening To: Responsible by Sara Bareilles***A dream I woke up from before I almost succumbed to certain distress. (O_o'') You may think this dream as nothing but trivial, but there are so many themes in here, I wish would stop reappearing.It's a crisp Sunday morning and I'm looking out into a field. I'm on top of a hill, surrounded by spruce and maple trees. A summer breeze flo
ws through t
he grass and brings me back momentaril
y from my day
dream.
*** *** *** *** *** ***
I've just left my c
ottage amidst the chaotic famil
y retreat, and decided t
o get some fresh air. As I walk leis
urely down a grad
ient on this beaten path, I spot Nnyl's mansion in the distance. I gla
re at the st
ructure, sh
ielding the sunligh
t from my eyes, t
aking in i
t's ominous pr
esence.
I re
member b
eing welcome there. The partie
s and family gatherings c
ome creeping back from memory, try
ing to fully emerge, but I pus
h them back int
o the dark. I do
n't want to r
emember him or that pa
st anymore...
As if shaking my head helps to forge
t, I shut my eyes and do so vigorous
ly. I'm battling with m
yself again, the inner turmoi
l is trying to win. I hold back the urge t
o turn back the way I came, but relax, and
visualize why I'm coming back h
ere.
Taking a
deep breath, I open my e
yes and whisper t
o myself, "Almost there, dear." I contin
ue on. Where to and why?
I'm o
n a mission
to find t
he perf
ect s
pot for my m
akeshift fort. My own little
seclusion in
to a world of make-bel
ieve. Any who, it's been awhile since I've in
dulged in my childish enthusiasm. As the character Katherine said in the m
ovie,
Under the Tuscan Sun,
"No matter what happens, always keep your childish innocence. It's the most important thing."
Tha
t is exactl
y what
I need to do to shake off
these melancholy feeling
s.
My cousin meets up with me once I'm there. She's
brought th
e molding clay, cardboard, and paint. I brought my
engineeri
ng skills
and imagination to
work wit
h. I look at her w
ith sudden rea
lization that w
e've been transforme
d into
our twelve year old selves! I laugh at her old bowl haircut a
nd she pou
ts at me for being mean.
This reality gets even more odd in t
hat we get along l
ike old times. I've missed that.
We spot the perfect spot to build u
nder. It's a small bridge, the one farthest from the mansion and hidden from view by a grassy
knoll. Both overcome with exc
itement, we get started on building our summertime fort. I erect four posts, two for each side. As I painted them blac
k, I look over my shoulder a
nd advise my cousin t
o start painting the cardboard cutouts of
walls. She's la
ughing at me th
at this is such a trivial thi
ng: us out in the wilderness like old times, building a fort for us to pla
y in. Oh well. Who cares about the insanity. All that
matters at this m
oment is we'
re having fun, just h
er and me.
Half-way finished, I realize we forgot the most important thing for our fort. The door. I left it
back at the cottag
e, al
ready cut-out and don
e. Throwing
a fist into the sky, my cousin pokes me in the shou
lder at my forgetfulness.
I tell her, I'll run over really quick and grab it. It shouldn't take me very long, plus I'd bring back us some
food to eat. She p
urses he
r lips and nods he
r h
ead on the food part. So, I
leave her there to g
uard our ha
lf finished fo
rt, and head back up the large hill.
I didn't expect it to take me a hou
r to g
et back to the cott
age. I'd gotten
lost and had to retrace m
y steps a thousand ti
mes. B
y the time I'd gotten there, everyone on the premises had le
ft for a swim at the lake. I
rritated w
ith mys
elf for bei
ng such a nincompoop, I search for an extra key an
d luckily find
it in the window box next to me.
Grabbing the ma
ke-shift door, I hurry out the cottag
e with a bag of chips and drinks. I'm sprinting back through the for
est and
practically roll down the hill. I was almo
st there when I spot something different in scenery.
Someone else w
as there.
I stopped where I was, straining m
y eyes to see who they were.
I could barely see over the k
noll, and not
ice a maroo
n Ford Explorer. The first thought of whose car that was, was Nnyl. But I distinctly remember it bein
g a silvery beige. Off a ways, a Filipino guy in a suit and purple tie is waiting impatiently for someone. I look
towards
his line of vis
ion and keep
seeing the flash of a silvery
blade. My heart jolts as I s
uddenly
think danger has
approached my cousin and ou
r fort. Prot
ectiveness surging through me, I drop m
y supplies and race t
o the scene.
The Filipino g
uy sees me and shouts out towards the on
e w/ the blade. I ha
ve not set my
eyes o
n him yet but I was getting there.
Al
l at once, I see a fam
iliar profile. The cut of hi
s black sui
t and shav
en head. It was
Nnyl. I pract
ically froze to a stop.
He stops his game play of du
ngeons and dragons
in MY fort, and turns arou
nd to look at me. He is surprised to see me and starts doin
g this sporadic happy dance. I'm uncomfortable with his enthusiasm and still haven't said anything to him. I just couldn't understand what he was doing here at this moment. It was summertime. He was never on his estate in the summertime from what I remember.
Finally I get my tongue to work its magic.
"What are you doing here?" I ask in irritation.
He looks at me like he should be the one asking that question. Laughing to himself, he replies,
"Why Lady V----------, I live here. Pray tell me, the question I shall ask is the same towards you?"
That did it. It was just the way he formulated his replies to me. Always in such a formal matter. It reminded that even now after all this time, he would not drop the front and be real with me.
Gritting my teeth, I glare at him and reply, "Enjoying my summer away from home. Why else do you think I'm here?"
He gives me this amused look, and throws open his arms as if waiting for me to run into them for one of my old bear hugs.
I don't think so.
I anxiously look behind him for my cousin, and see her peering at us through the fort. I mouth to her to run, and she does. The Filipino guy chases after her and I scream at Nnyl to stay away from me.
I dash back the way I came and am trying to get away.
The air is cool. The breeze has picked up. I'm screaming inside, "I need to get away! I need him to go away, and give up!"
I'm running as fast as I could, but his strides were longer than mine. Each time I'd look back, it's as if he was just about to be at my side. Clenching my fists, my feet pounding into the ground, I come upon the last obstacle of the hill I'd come down.
Pausing for a second to catch my breath, I glance back and see him happily skipping over towards me. I'm back in panic mode and start sprinting up the hill stupidly.
I should of took my time and measured my strides. Running uphill cold turkey was a mistake, he caught up to me just as whatever was left of my energy died.
And there I was again, heaving with frustration that he was there with me. His arms cradling me close to him, my tears falling away openly.
Questions racing through my mind:
Why do you keep appearing when I don't want you to be?
Why do you keep calling now that I don't want you to be?
Why do I detest this civil relationship, when it's what I had wanted from the start?
Why is it that my heart breaks every time I see you, and every time you decide you want to talk?
I push myself out from your embrace. You get up with me and give me that look I can't erase. The sadness is still fresh, but I don't want to linger in regrets.
You say you're sorry again. But you always say that, over and over. It's true meaning was lost way back when.
I start off up the hill again. Holding in a waste of energy of wanting to cry. I know it's summertime, love, but this is not worth another try.
****This dreams seems like a recount of something I could care less about. I think we're still friends, but the method of friendship seems so unreal and forced. Yeah we have our history, my feelings towards him back then weren't mutual. Although even through all that, my trust and open heart at keeping things friendly have fallen through. You know, you've inspired so many of the things I've written. You are the one who started all of this, and for that I'm gladly thankful for the push. Through you, I've learned of the heartbreaking kind of love. The kind that twists you up so much but won't let you give up. In the end, I'm trying to reassess and still be your friend. Although that's so hard to do now, when I can't help but get the feeling it's still all pretend. Why play around and act like you're not doing this out of regret? I don't feel the honesty is there, and I am sorry if my indifference is all you get. I wish you had caught me during the period when hope was still fresh. But the moment is gone, and friendship now, is like a distant dream I can't retrace. (-End 4:00pm)
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